Sitting With It

I had 3 days last week where I spent a considerable amount of attention on just having compassion for how hard some of my shit is. I used these three sentences. This is hard. I am so sorry. I love you.

Sounds totally inane when I write that. But it is amazing how well it worked. As you all know through the facebook, this has been a very stressful week with my husband, best friend and majority of my exercise time gone. Tuesday, Wed and most of Thursday I used these sentences and felt such peace and support. Friday, I felt the backlash and binged. I ate a TON of gluten Friday and Saturday. Last night and this morning i have a burning pain under my right upper arm and for about 2 hours had myself convinced this was breast cancer. The fast deadly kind that kills in a year. Then I noticed that the sore on my chin wasn't healing. And I was crazy tired. And remembered exactly how much gluten I had eaten. ALL of these things are gluten. ALL OF THEM.

So today, I spent 5 minutes sitting with that peaceful feeling when it came over me this morning for some random reason. I do not feel comfortable with this feeling of peace and well being. There I said it. So usually I just find a way (numb with food and make myself sick with that huge volume of food) to push it away and make myself feel bad agaon.

So now my focus is on accepting that feeling and learning how to be comfortable with it, because it is one of the best feelings in the world.

The fog is clearing

So for the last week or so I have been IN IT.
I spent 5 days with my parents.
In that time I went from strong, clear, confident and happy to small, shamed, terrified and insecure.
I came home not feeling sure footed at all.
I came home and laid down (and I do not care if that is grammatically correct.)
Then Jerry went on his 2 week motorcycle camping vacation.
And Stephanie went on maternity leave so my work load at the clinics quadrupled.
And did I mention the puppy?
Anyway.
With all of this there has been a paucity of time for walking. And it has reminded me how much I need my walking. Exercise dvds do not fill the void.
Also food has been blech.
While at my parents, I developed a HORRIBLE stomach problem. I could not eat but oddly managed to drink.
I spent the better part of one morning trying to figure out where the gluten was coming from and could not.
Then I realized it was stress.
I was witnessing something I had always numbed myself from.
My father's shitty behavior.
He is a bully.
He is insecure.
He is a narcissist.
He is NOT as intelligent as he thinks he is.
He is STUBBORN.
He is mean.
He is judgemental.
He is cold.
He is isolated.
He is rigid.
He is shaming.
He does revisionist history.
And the hardest one of all...

He is threatened by me.

God that is hard to write and I am choking up just seeing it in black and white.
Because it is true.
And when my dad is threatened...he attacks.
Not overtly.
Just constant and undermining and with looks of disapproval.
A general vibe, if not an outright statement, that you are "doing it wrong."

As long as he undermines the confidence of the person he is threatened by he is dominant. As long as he can engage you (as long as YOU are one of his children or his minions) in an argument, he will always have the upper hand because NO ONE wants to lose to him.
I remember some innocent Monopoly and chess games of my youth that resulted in the silent treatment when he didn't win.

What I noticed last week, was, well, how little I allowed myself to notice before.
And in being aware, being present, being in it...I felt it.
I was sad and hurt and scared.
I remembered what it felt like to be a child with him.
A child with a fragile and developing sense of self...not good.
It scared the piss out of me.
Trust me, it is ALWAYS hard to see one's parents flaws under a harsh light.
What is harder is to see my own tendencies to these traits.
Watching my dad is like holding a mirror up to my worst self...and it stings.

So as soon as I got home, by day 2 my stomach had calmed down. And I stopped walking and started eating...binge eating. And thinking about dieting because I am never gonna lose this weight yadayadayadayada. And this made me eat more. This was a week ago. Since all my "people" are gone, I have been absolutely beside myself about the walking. How will I train? I am never gonna be able to do it! I suck!

So all in all, I picked up where my father left off.
I am telling myself I am doing it wrong.
So yesterday, when I really realized it (thank you Tara Brach) I stopped.
Every time I found myself judging my general suckitude, I stopped and said, "Wow, this is really hard." Then I said, "I am so sorry. I love you."

It is amazingly effective.
Yesterday I was able to avoid food as a numbing agent for the first time in a LOOOOOOONG time.
Today I am going to try the same.
I am also going to be kinder to myself about the walking.
If I get time to do it...I will. I will bring walking clothes with me and have them. If I don't, Jerry will be home in a week and a half and I will be able to pick up where I left off. I will be fine.
Better than fine.
I will be loved.

Happy

So today I noticed, as I was driving, I have this odd sensation. It is a feeling I am not quite used to. It is this core of contentment. It isn't blaring JOYJOYJOY or giddy happiness about "something." It is just this soft sigh of "hhhHHHHHmmmmmm" and a tiny little smile.

I think it means I am happy.

I have had it at some point in the day for the last 3 or 4 days. It definitely sends off bells and whistles of warning. I seem to know somewhere in my heart that being happy, content joyful in my youth resulted in an attack.

Even has I write that, I have feelings of denial and guilt. YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT!!! They only wanted you to be happy you selfish egocentric bitch! You need drama and a way to victimize yourself to even BREATHE most days.

But, no.

I know it is true. I know I have trouble with good and well and successfull and attractive and thin, so of course I have trouble with happy.

I look for every opportunity to lick the red off that lollipop. Not today.

Today I am going to let myself be aware that I am happy with my life. Period. No exceptions. No only ifs. No footnotes.

Just be OK with happy.

Bad with good.

It's June.
It is hot as balls.
I am not walking as much as I want to. And it is mainly because I won't let myself have it.
Why?
Because I feel good when I walk. And I don't do so good with good.

Today I wrote a very well worded, professional email and dealt with a subject I have been avoiding for about 3 years (one year actively avoiding.) And after a week of getting numbers together and allowing myself to really see that I do understand the business side of my job, today I composed the email and sent it.

And then I binged like there was no tomorrow. And I binged on gluten.

And right now I am letting myself sit with the feelings. I am being with the bloating and discomfort and full as a stuffed tick as well.

I am sitting with the good.

No matter what happens from this email, I know I am right for myself.
No matter if they tell me I am wrong and don't know what I'm talking about, I won't react, I won't freak.
I don't need them to tell me I am OK. Or that I am good.

I am good.

Blisters

Damn blisters.

I had one of the worst physical experiences on my walk this morning. I hurt. Not a little, a lot. By about 2 miles in, it was so bad i was almost nauseated. As soon as I bitched about it out loud, it got better. Shocker. A lot of it in my head? Probably around 50%. I loved the time with my walking partner Lauren, but I think her long legs may have made me push myself a bit more than I was able to do.

Oh, and the blister.

It was as big as the one from the 1/2 marathon. And is feeling meaner.

bastard.

But I am gonna keep going. Keep walking, because when I go at my pace, I feel wonderful. And so happy. I will baby my blister and do some cross training and yoga and return to 3 miles on Wednesday.

We'll see.

joy

So now I am back in Knoxville from a week at Mount Madonna. A week of awareness, mindful eating, hiking for miles and miles, meditation, fellowship and thinking.

And now? Not so much. Transition/re-immersion is a bitch. I spent the last week in a backlash of trying to eat my way into a numb place. And I didn't move...for a week.

Until today. Today I walked. For 5.5 miles! And I ate to a hunger level of 5. And stopped.

And I felt happy. I walked to enjoy it...not to get in x number of miles, not to burn x number of calories, but to just enjoy moving and walking.

Misty water-colored meeeeeemories!

OK, so I am not Striesand.

I had to go through pictures today to take to the retreat. My assignment is to bring pictures of myself in various stages and moods. Was I happy, sad, scared, etc.

So I went through the photos I have. All as an adult. The few I have as a child my mom has cemented into a scrapbook. I have a very hard time removing them so I am not able to use them. Dammit.

I also noticed that looking at my adult pictures I realized I never look at my pictures of me. Pictures taken when I thought I was unhappy because I was fat, pictures I avoided because I thought I was fat, pictures I hid because I thought I was fat. Pictures of me hiding behind people because I thought I was fat. Pictures of just my head because I thought I was fat. Well, you get the picture.

I noticed something. I noticed I was a lot happier than I realized at the time. And that upset me a bit. I feel like I missed the moment because I was telling myself a story about hoe that particular moment was not important or good or happy because I wasn't where I wanted to be with my weight.

I was quite weight-centric.

Anyway. Today I noticed i had joy in my life regardless of my size. I laughed with my husband, giggled with friends and family, danced with a dolphin (OH YES I DID!) And enjoyed it.

And then obviously talked myself out of it.

I am going to remember those pictures. And how shocked I was that I was happy. Like I got caught doing something that would get me in trouble.

In between

I feel like I am straddling a HUGE abyss. I have been eating mindlessly lately. And bingeing. And eating gluten. And I feel like shit. But I know I am doing it. I am watching. Like a mom watches a child struggle while learning to tie a shoe.

I have one foot in a very old, well worn, well known (well loved?) old place and one foot in a very unfamiliar, very bright, very hopeful, very solid new place.

And nothing but sky in between.

And when I look to see, in my body, how I feel when I reflect on each of these places they are vastly different.

The left side, the old place, is heavy, bogged down, blurred and well, heavy. I have trouble breathing fully and feel like I am in a heavier gravity. Like I am wearing a lead suit. The vision is very blurry and slow and almost medicated. Yet I feel comfort here. I feel layered under something so the "bad" can't get to me. No wait, comfort may not be the word because even as I write this I feel as if I am suffocating, my chest tightens and my throat constricts. And though I feel away from the bad and technically protected from it, I feel like I am inside something that is safe but just sort of. I feel extremely uncomfortable as I write this. Edgy, pain in my shoulder, anxious, tight in my chest and shallow breaths. My shoulders draw up and I can feel my face shift to a frown. I can feel tears well up and fear rise in my throat. I am not sure what this is but the more I sit with it, the less comfortable it becomes. I cannot feel my belly and all I want to do is bolt. It feels hard to breathe.

I had to step away from the computer.

I can take deep breaths now.

As I look to the right, the new place, I feel a lot of space and my shoulders drop and my chest opens up and I can feel my belly. My breath is easier. The colors are bright and crisp and all kinds of blue sky and space. There is a huge sense of comfort but it is different than any comfort I have felt before. It is light and airy and spacious and feels happy. Almost giddy. I feel some tears but they feel like relief.

As I sat to write this I had a whole big story about the left and the right. The left was all comfort and protection from old wounds and it would be hard to let go of that. But I realized while writing this that the old behaviors that i used for comfort and safety in the past from some pretty horrific things, they have become the horrific things in and of themselves. Not at all what I expected.

Which reminds me that I saw the part of me that eats the other day.

I had a story about that too. I believed that that was a kind and loving and protecting part of me that saw that this was the only comfort I had during some difficult times. That she stroked and loved and cared and protected me and let me soothe myself with food.

Not so much.

When I really let myself look at the part of me who starts to eat for anything other than hunger, I see a very stoic, robotic, rigid entity. One that is almost devoid of emotion. It is very white and resembles the figures in the old Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots game. It is also not threatening, or even aware of me. It has a job to do. And when told to start, it just goes. It feels almost impossible to stop. Programmed. Cold. Distant. Mindless. Unapproachable.

When I try to put this part in the world on the right, I can see there is NO WAY I can get it to go there. That place is too high and light and airy. I don't feel dread or fear when I see this visual. I feel relief. Relief that there is no place for mindlessness there.

Tho I know there is a use for this world on the left, I am certain there is no need to live there and there is certainly no need to eat there.

I feel drawn to the right.
But I have parts that are attached to the left. Loyalty maybe? Guilt? Obligation? Not sure. But I can feel myself wanting to pick up the foot on the left and move it to the right. There is also a part of me screaming to GET RID OF THE LEFT! BLOW IT UP! THEN YOU WILL BE FIXED!!! It is also clear this is the voice that was head cheerleader in every diet I ever tried. All or nothing.

Another voice, more of a whisper, no a feeling, has no need to destroy the left. Just let it be there. She knows it is difficult for me to be in the right all the time. Even if I want to.

The left is mindlessness. Binge eating, dieting, binge exercising, dropping out. Disconnecting. This path is well worn and easy. Habit.

The right is mindfulness. Presence. This part is simple. Simple yes,  but easy, no.

Five days at Mount Madonna starting Tuesday will give me some space to be present in both of these worlds and see what comes up. From here, I do not want to keep choosing mindlessness, yet it seems that every time I feel threatened (in even the mildest ways) I don't even consider the mindfulness path. I resort to the default behavior of mindlessness. And though it does not FEEL safe and secure, I am telling myself at this very minute, "well of course you do because that path keeps you safe."

It kept me safe. Not anymore.

It reminds me that my worlds have shifted.

Being my best self was a huge threat to my mom when I was young. Dumbing it down, hiding my light under the proverbial bushel, destroying myself before she could, all these kept me safe.

Now it is that behavior that threatens my happiness. Seems to bring up some shame when I see this. That I "should have" seen it long ago and just "fixed it" because it is so obvious. Shame that it still has such a hold on me. But that's old coping mechanisms. Shame doesn't seem to have as much a hold lately. Which might be why I am trying so hard to drop out lately. When I see the old tools are futile in this new world, I might just move there and only visit the other world on the rare bad day.

...and there's the threat.

But I don't feel trapped in it. I feel like I am sitting here looking at all the things in front of me. And from here I can spend some time examining. Safely.

BOY do I not wanna hit post. But I will.

ick

I have a food hangover. I have been eating gluten for the last 5 days (stopped yesterday because the symptoms were KILLING me) but then binged yesterday. Every single meal I ate I ate to WAY past full. I have not done that in a really long time. My first instinct is to white knuckle it and MAKE myself stop. My true instinct is to sit with it and be open and see what is going on. Even when I type that it feels warm and kind and fresh. Attractive even. I am VERY grateful that I have the retreat at Mt Madonna coming up Tuesday.
More on this later. Just needed to get it down.

ahhhhhhhhh...

My husband turned on the air tonight.

Without me asking.

I think he has a tumor.

It is 90 frickin frackin' degrees today.

I am wrestling with some worth demons. Had a long and frustrating meeting last night but am extremely proud that I held it together and spoke up for myself and was able to articulate my points wether they listened or not.

Now I need to accept that I am worth the effort to fight for myself. And accept that I am OK and safe when I speak up in my own best interest. Not sure when this became so difficult but am guessing it was a long long time ago.

Oh, and I walked 3.5 miles today. YAY ME!!!

Harrrruuuuummmmph.

Tired, cranky, post call.

But...

I had a very good session with Lauren yesterday and had a very real vision of the part of me who eats. She looked NOTHING like I thought she would. And she is definitely a VERY old part. And she is not threatening and I think her skills would be very well suited in another position in my life. It was quite earth shattering. I was a bit shocked. But in a good way.

Big meeting tonight with my group and part of me is very much looking forward to it...part of me, not so much.

So it has been a MONTH since I last posted??? Wow. And I have to say it has been quite on purpose. This avoiding thing. So my new goal, for me and just me, will be to post daily. Even if it is just a sentence. To keep myself company. Over the last month the backlash took over. Ran amok as one might say. I stopped doing things that kept me present. I am going to try and be there for me in this form.

The transition...

So now I am trying to train to learn how to run. Actually the body work seems basic. Do this for x amount of days, increase running by small increments. Eventually take x days to be able to run for 30 min at a time. Long enough to finish a 5K running. And the x...it is variable dependent upon how my body takes to this. The unknown.

Another unknown? My mind. It is NOT handling this well. It is still a wee bit freaked out and backlashy about the half marathon. But we will keep showing up. Keep dealing with the little bumps in the road.

I am realizing that my biggest road block is my weight. Not just for the running, but for everything.

The half marathon showed me one thing very clearly. I can accomplish physical challenges. I am an athlete. I feel FABULOUS when I use my loyal and trusty body to accomplish physical challenges.

And this threatens everything I believe myself to be.

So my next task is to redefine those beliefs and start living based on them. The other task is to fight myself (my old self) and figure out how to get this weight off.

And on to the next...

WOW! it has been almost a month since I last blogged and I want to start doing this again and again to keep myself present and positive.

So one week ago I completed the half marathon!!!!!!!!

It was one of the greatest, most satisfying experiences of my life.

Arriving in that swarm of people was awesome. I got very choked up. Even at the playing of Rocky Top.  The support was amazing, the hills were CRAZY! And the satisfaction of completing this goal was something I haven't experienced in a very long time.

I had some difficult emotional moments the mornings of the race. I was reminded of the mornings before skating competitions. I had a memory of a memory in the past. I knew that something was unpleasant about competition mornings. I knew I always felt trapped and hopeless. And panicky. Very panicky. But never knew why.

Well now I do. The morning of the half marathon I remembered viscerally. I remembered feeling trapped. No matter what I did, it would be wrong. If I lost, I was a failure. If I won, it would be a threat to my mom. If I placed middle of the pack I would be ordinary (probably a message I got from my parents.)

Sooooooo.

That morning I let myself have it. All of it. The experience of the support, both personal and anonymous. The experience and commeraderie of the race. The satisfaction of setting a task and completing it. And showing up for myself. I let myself have that, too.

And I can't stop looking at the pictures!

http://www.asiorders.com/view_user_event_video.asp?EVENTID=79255&BIB=2836

Almost quit.

But almost doesn't count now, does it?

Last week was particularly difficult. Lots and lots of old thought patterns and very little rational thinking. Not really sure what happened but had a good idea what triggered it.

About a week and a half ago I had multiple people comment on my weight. The fact that there was less of it. One of them being my husband who thinks I am beautiful and sexy no matter what size I am (do you know how hard THAT sentence was to write?)He commented how good all this walking was looking on me. Add to that a couple patients who had no idea I was walking and some nurses at work and it was probably something I should have prepared for.

I can remember at one point actually hearing myself say, "huh, these comments haven't triggered me. Maybe I am better?!"

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllll...

Not so much.

I had a few days where I was feeling all of my old Judgy McJudgerson self. And at one point last week was very, very tempted to quit. I even missed 3 days walking in a row (one being a 6 mile walk) and refusing to count the 9 hours of shopping I did one Saturday and was quite sore from the next day (NO that didn't count!)

By Fat Tuesday I was about ready to cut and run. Then everyone on Facebook started talking about what they were giving up for Lent.

Now I do not really fancy myself a Christian in the true sense of the word. Especially when it comes to the hoop jumping and rules of the whole thing (being raised a Catholic kind of put me off that.)

BUT...something here tickled my little brain.

from Wiki...
The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, repentance, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

So here's how I read this...

The new tradition of Lent is to prepare THIS believer, through presence, awareness, kindness and denial of the nasty selves, for the annual commemoration of the death of old beliefs and long accepted "truths" and the rebirth of true beliefs...and the resurrection of the authentic self.

The kind self. The loving self. The patient and happy self.

The self who doesn't believe all the smack talk that has been programmed over the last 40 odd years.

so.

Where to start. Well, with my Catholic upbringing, Lent always meant relentless dieting. I had to give up food I loved or things I loved to do and then get guilted when I got to do them again.

NOW what I am giving up are all those things that prevent me from being that true self.

This lenten season I will be giving up the idea of giving up.
No more quitting.
No more I can't.
Not an option.
I will do these things (training for my walk, listening to my body, not beating myself up) and give less space for the tear down voices.

And maybe I will reward myself with a pretty new Easter outfit! And a coconut egg!

ick

Just not feeling it this week.
Spent the weekend with the girls and walked all day Saturday shopping but trying not to count that.
Sunday was nothing more than a day of vegging out.
So of course I am in the midst of "you suck" and will never do this.
Sooooo...I am going to make sure I walk tonight.
I am going to try for 6 miles but will be happy with anything right now.

My feet have been bothering me a lot and right now am trying to convince myself that this is all because i am to fat to walk a half marathon. It is actually (likely) due to the fact that I needed new shoes. So I bought 'em Friday and will hopefully be able to disprove all the nasty voices in my head and walk without pain tonight.

So much to tell!!!

So it has been a very very busy week since I last blogged. Katy's birthday and way too many sick people. BUT I had to blog today.

I just finished an 11+ mile walk in 3 hours and 20 minutes (20 of which were spent in coffee shop and under a tree in the middle of a downpour.)

I have done found me a walking partner!!!

My friend Lauren is in! And this child has some long legs so my time has drastically decreased. AND she is a chatty cathy with THE BEST stories. I am so happy I could wet myself.

But in even bigger news...I have my next goal.

I have signed up for the Susan G Komen 3 day walk for the cure in Philadelphia October 13-15th. It is 3 days, 60 miles.
And I am doing it with 2 amazing friends all of us training in different cities. Nat in Philly, Margo in NYC and me in little ole Knoxvegas.

It is amazing how this worked out. I have a Geneen Roth retreat that week in San Francisco and thought this was absolutely out of the question because the retreats usually run Tues through Sunday. But when I checked the retreat dates something didn't add up. I checked and rechecked and sure enough the retreat schedule for this retreat is Sunday through Thursday. This means I can fly to Philly Thursday to walk Friday.

It was meant to be.

I am becoming someone who misses exercise and moving my body when I don't get to do it. Screw becoming. I AM the someone who likes to move my body. I never would have thought I could spend a lazy Sunday morning off call out in the pouring rain with thunder and lightening ENJOYING good company and an 11+ mile walk.

Lovely lovely gift for the beginning of my 46th year.

7 miles! And the next challenge is shaping up!

Today I kicked butt. And on a day I was on call after a Saturday of utter chaos, I made time for myself...and I walked my 7 miles. I did it in 2 hours and 4 minutes and I finished the last three miles between 3.5 and 3.7. I am CRAZY pleased with this.

So I have really been enjoying this process and have been looking for the next challenge and the universe has shuffled and arranged and I think I will be able to go to my fall retreat (which is oddly Sunday through Thursday) and then be in Philadelphia to walk the Susan G. Komen 3 day walk for the cure!!! I am nervous and excited. I sent away for my info packet just now and am looking forward to the chance to walk for another 8 months of training!

I Zumba'd!

And it was a blast and I was a sweaty mess. I am so glad I went. Now I need to get up and go to the Y in the morning. I have been sleeping through my alarm for the last two mornings. Early bed time tonight and hopefully no major phone calls!

ZUMBA!!!

Oh, and tonight I am spending my rest day from training trying a Zumba class with a friend of mine. I am noticing I don't want to go. I love to dance and I love fitness classes that are fun. So what the heck is going on with my reluctance?

Probably because Zumba is like playing. And some part of me feels like I am not supposed to have fun and play.

I am going. We'll see what comes up.

Hard truth.

So the other day I am talking a best friend through a very difficult time. Her story to tell but suffice it to say we were discussing destructive patterns and the difficulty in recognizing them let alone changing them.

At one point I said to her, "Look, I, better than most, totally understand the feeling of being powerless over your actions when it comes to old patterns." I then explained how I found myself putting myself into situations where there is food. Lots and lots of food. And how I know that if I put myself there in that situation, I will eat.

Every single time.

Mid sentence I felt like I had been slapped in the face. This is true. Very very true. Too true.

During this conversation I am shopping in Pigeon Forge. There are some stores there that have samples. I always go in them. To shop? Fuck no. To put myself in the proximity of food. So that very day I went to 2 of them (actually looking for a tortilla press) and ate nothing but was crazy aware of the pull of the gluten rich pretzels and dips. The third was Harry and David and I had a chip and dip. I also noticed how pissed i am that they police their samples and hand them out one by one. I noticed that feeling and realized what I really hated was being prevented from binging.

So the last few days I have been paying attention to food. In doing this I have started tracking my food. A food diary if you will. The tool I use is on Sparkpeople so I always see calories and get a report card. It is a dangerous as a scale for me.

There is a lure for me to follow what they tell me to eat. Be good. Fudge on what I actually ate so the numbers look prettier and more in line.

But this time I am doing it differently. Honestly. Non-judgementally. AFTER I ate it.

It has been helping me be mindful. Thoughtful in a way that has been different from the times I tracked before.

I have problems with trust. Mainly trusting myself to know what is right for my body or even how I actually feel with certain foods in my body. So I am teaching myself trust. Mainly, I am teaching myself that, when left to my own devices, I will not eat calorie after calorie with wild abandon. I will not fall into a hole of binging.

I am going to have to be very careful with this tho. I can feel the old pattern and the disconnected, "diet-y" feeling I have gotten before when I tracked lurking in the corner.

For now, I am stayng in the moment and trusting the process. And working very very very hard to be non-judgemental and realize that eating 9 pieces of candy on Valentines day landed me well within the recommended calories but way off in how I felt in my body.

It's a process. It's a process. It's a process.

Assessing. Reassessing. Trying not to over think it.

So I realized a few days ago that I have been doing this for about 7 weeks now. Actually, it is seven weeks tomorrow.

If I am honest, this is the longest I have ever stuck with a movement/exercise program in over 20+ years. I have done much more intense exercise programs but they would involve 4-5 ridiculously intense days a week and I would stick to it for like 4 weeks and then quit and take to the non exercise bed.

Two years ago that resulted in a nasty case of plantar fasciitis. And I quit.

I don't mean I quit the 2 hour step classes or DVD's 4-5 times a week. I quit every form of exercise. I was never going to do it again.

Can you say black and white thinking???

I was the QUEEN of black and white thinking. I struggle horribly with the idea that I am not doing enough, not vigorous enough, not burning calories enough. And I would push and push and push. And I would never enjoy what I was doing. And no matter what I did, or how toned I got, or how much weight I lost, it was never enough. Never. Ever. Enough. And I never listened to my body.

So when I decided to move again the day after Christmas, I wasn't sure where it came from, and don't really care. But I started. On vacation. At a beautiful resort. In Florida (at 23 degrees) I hit the treadmill almost every day. On the cruise ship, I hit the treadmill or something every day. It didn't feel like exercise, and I felt better.

So the other day, and it was a shitty day, I realized i was just feeling happy. I had no immediate reason to feel happy. Then I realized I have been feeling pretty good more than I have not been feeling pretty good.

I also noticed I have been trying to struggle. And trying to binge (and sometimes succeeding) more than I have in a long time. That protector I talked about the other day...she is feeling very threatened.

What that tells me is something is shifting. Another part, a calmer and wiser and more patient, less dramatic part, has taken over. She gets up and goes to the Y every morning she is supposed to. She takes her rest days. She dances to move when she wants to.

And she doesn't need to over think it.

She also wants me to plan a 10K for some time in June For me to aim for. She is one smart chick because she knows this half marathon is gonna be over in another 7 weeks and she (we) wants to keep it going.

OK, I'm ready.

So I told you all I did a workshop on Saturday.

Now I am ready to talk about it. Well, maybe I am ready to stop beating myself up so I figure talking about it and all the shit it brought up would be a better alternative than eating myself into a ruptured stomach which is what I have been doing for the last 3 or 4 days since the workshop.

I think it dug up a lot of stuff that needed digging up. And even as I write this all I want to do is go downstairs and eat until I feel nothing.

So the workshop was a voice dialogue/soul collage workshop. We watched a movie called As It Is In Heaven and if you have not seen it SEE IT!!!!! It is profound and wonderful and sad and moving and happy and moving and lovely. One of the best films I have ever seen. It is Swedish with subtitles so be prepared.

While watching the movie we were supposed to notice and take notes on what was coming up in us while we watched. And what came up for me was fear and vulnerability. Lots and lots of fear and vulnerability.

We were then to take about 3 hours to cut pictures out of magazines and make soul collages from the part of us that came up.  Here is mine. This is the part of me that comes up and "protects" when I feel afraid and vulnerable.

 

 The Protector Self

Let me first say that I love this collage. It is raw and real and informative and loving.

And the process was incredible.

I am going to explain it because I want to remember the process.

We started by looking for a background. This is one of my favorite parts. It is hard to see completely but the wet blue is a glacier washing up in a rough black sea. So the water on the bottom right is in the same picture as the ice blue glacier. And I knew I wanted a tumultuous sea as my background because that is how this part of me sees fear and vulnerability. Rough, dangerous water. And the glacier was a bonus. The idea of long ago frozen pieces bobbing to the surface and washing up on shore? Perfect.

Then I found this picture of the baby. This startled frightened baby cradled in a set of hands. How perfect an image of my vulnerability and fear.

I then began thinking of all the ways I "layer on" to avoid exposing my vulnerability and protect myself from that which i am afraid of. I thought of my anger, my performing, my behaving, my drinking, my stubbornness, my ability to throw money at it, my acting like the queen ruler who cannot be over ridden, my rigid good girl rule following, my bolting, my reasoning and staying in my head to "solve" the problem, my ability/drive to talk myself into or out of something with my head and reasoning. And food. Bread to be exact. It is all there. Just take a look.

But a remarkable thing happened as I began to layer the pictures around this terrified and vulnerable baby. I placed the angry woman and the crazy, wild stage performer and the over the top woman trying to reason first. 

Then the crossed arms (from an angry bouncer-apropos) and the drunk Carrie Fisher. Then the money and credit card and then the baguettes at the bottom.

When I pulled back and looked at it, I saw a shape. 

MY SHAPE.

I added the suitcase and the dark, rigid ballerina. I added the bagels like a rounded out hip. The more I filled in the more it looked like my body to me.

I added a bagel as a head. With an open mouth. And a crown of a dominant queen.

And a couple pieces of lightning and it was done.

Not a single space around this frightened and vulnerable and unprotected little baby. Layer upon layer keeping her safe from the outside.

For the first time I saw how I got my body to where it is. Why I got my body to where it is. And what is underneath it all.

I wasn't mad or panic-y or sad. I was kind of relieved. And I loved it.

Oh and there is another little secret. There is a picture of a slim, strong, powerful woman doing a yoga pose directly beneath that frightened baby. And After I found her and glued her in. I found a bigger picture of her and had to do another collage. But that is to share for another day.

And now I am going to leave this and then write another post about my binging now that i have this all out in the open.

I am breathing a bit easier now.

Ouch.

Still sore from my walk Sunday but managed to get an hour in today. It was a slooooooow hour.

Wait a minute.

It was a 3 mile an hour hour. I walked it and thought, GOSH this is slow, I suck, I am never gonna be able to do this. But I just realized. When I started 5 weeks ago I could only walk a 3 mile an hour walk after about 2 weeks and even then only for like 20 min with some serious effort. Sunday I alternated between 3.5 and 3.7 in the last 3 miles (no wonder I am sore) and managed just fine.

I am noticing how easy it is to be critical and miss the growth.

So today I am just gonna say I was gentle and I have noticed how far I have come in a very short period of time.

WOW!

Am I sore!!!

Finished week 5 yesterday with a 6 mile walk in an hour and 45 minutes. Also rocked out to Just Dance and Wii Fit Plus yesterday morning. I knew I was in trouble when my legs started tightening up during the Superbowl. So I stretched and stretched and stretched. So I guess it could be worse. Right?

Anyway, I feel really good about where I am right now in this process.

I also have a lot to say about a voice dialogue and soul collage workshop I did on Saturday. But am not quite ready to post about it.

Kindness.

So I have been struggling lately. Well not exactly struggling. More like trying to struggle. See, struggling for me is a well worn coat. It is still hanging in my closet but every time I pick it up to put it on, it just doesn't seem to feel right. However, I keep picking that bastard up.

So I have been going to the Y and doing my training and feel god about it.

Probably a little too good. Which has triggered this longing for my old struggle. I know the struggle. It is familiar. It is comfortable...sort of.

So today I noticed I was kind of trying to shut down. So i binged. Not a volume, cram it all in so you cannot breathe binge. But I ate bread and butter. Now being gluten intolerant makes this a no no for my body. But bread and butter is a red flag combo for me. It numbs me like a drug.

So I noticed I was trying to shut down. Actively, passionately, devotedly trying to shut down.

I just noticed it and didn't force a lot of shit around it. Just noticed.

I also had my last meditation class in my series tonight and I did not want to go at all. After a shitty shitty day at work I wanted to go home and shut down some more.

But I had this thought. Who would I be if I went anyway. Completed this course. Saw it through and let myself just be still tonight.

And I went.

And so I'm sitting there and like 30 minutes in it hits me. I have a tattoo.

HOLY SHIT I FORGOT ALL ABOUT MY TATTOO.

And then I teared up. See, I love my tattoo. It is a the word kindness in henna color at the top of my neck. The only thing that has ever kept me out of my head was kindness. So I decided to permanently etch it into the base of my skull. Easy to see when I wear a pony tail. But all mine when I am at work. I love that tattoo.

And in realizing I had forgotten all about it, I realized I had forgotten to be kind to myself.

I also realized what was probably driving me into my head and what was making me shut down.

I was doing a lot of kindness in the last 6 weeks. And it scared the piss out of the part of me that needs me to be mean to survive. I also know that a workshop this Saturday has been heavy on my mind (probably for the same reason, but more on that later.)

So I will remember my tattoo tonight.

Boy am I glad I went to meditation.

Backlash.

So yesterday was one of the best, most satisfying day of training I have had. I had a moment in the morning where I didn't want to go to the Y. But I did and I did 5 miles in 92 minutes. Toward the end of this walk I realized...I am going to be able to do this. I am going to be able to finish this marathon in the allotted time of 3 1/2 hours.

And then all hell broke loose.

I went through every negative thought scenario I have ever had run through my mind. I believed them too. I was gonna lose my job, I was never going to lose weight. I was gonna die fron cancer or a heart attack. And on and on and on.

Then this morning I woke up feeling "in trouble." This is an OLD pattern of mine that rarely bothers me. I went back to sleep. I woke up better and then had an unexpected phone call from a friend asking my husband to help move a friend who had essentially done nothing to prepare for her eviction...which was about to occur in 23 hours. So all the plans we had for a family day went out the door as my husband went to help a friend in need. I was furious. Of course it had nothing to do with this good friend who had probably done nothing due to feeling paralyzed with fear of losing a home for her and her 2 children. But I could not see that.

I felt mean and angry and abusive.

I made my daughter cry. I snapped at my husband. And I could not get myself out of my head. I finally told my friend Stephanie about it. And I said I had no idea why. I told the truth.

In that moment I felt everything open up but was too afraid to admit it.

Why all this?

Well if I am honest there is a part of me who is TERRIFIED that I am gonna get this healthy eating and moving thing under control and I am going to lose weight. And if that happens I am going to die.

Why this part believes this? I have no real concrete idea. BUT it sure feels desperate.

I plan on focusing on this this week and this weekend at a workshop I am attending.

I also plan on pushing forward with my training because that and that alone makes me feel wonderful and makes this all get smaller and more manageable.

Oh yeah, the half marathon training!

This week has been FABULOUS!!! Last week kind of bit and was all mumbo jumbo and tossed around but I got all but one day of training in so that was fabulous and I was happy even tho I wasn't perfect (THIS is HUGE progress!) But this week was awesome.

I am finishing my fifth week of being committed to moving my body. Since the day after Christmas I have moved at least 4-5 days a week. This week I felt good, and really really enjoyed being at the Y every morning (except Thursday my rest day) and look forward (WHAT?) to my 5 mile day tomorrow.

I have not added weight/strength training yet, but tomorrow might very well be the day!

My love letter to Geneen...

Those who know me know I have been doing retreats with Geneen Roth for almost 3 years. This work is incredibly important to me and I am forever indebted to her for her brave honesty and the willingness to put it all out there for the world.

SOOOOO......

When I got an email from her assistant Judy asking me if I would write a few words (riiiight) about how the work has affected me and how I use it in my professional life, I was honored. She is putting together a proposal for a PBS show about her work and professional women (like myself) so she asked if i would be willing to be quoted.

I struggled with this after I said yes. I could not get it down on paper. But I finally did. And here it is...

I came to Geneen's work desperate, frightened, worried and out of options. I was also looking for someone else to fix me. I have tried every diet known to man and had gone from a white knuckled 115 pounds to a despondent 266 pounds. I was desperate and frustrated and couldn't figure out why I was unable to figure out this weight thing. The world saw me as a smart, bright, funny, articulate and accomplished woman. After almost 25 years of therapy I could not figure out why I saw myself as an insignificant, shameful failure. All my worth was tied up in my weight. As a physician I thought I should have the answers and I actually believed that no one knew my dirty little secret...I was fat. And I was totally out of control. I felt helpless, I felt alone. I also still believed I could diet my way to the solution. If I could just be thin everything would be okay.

When I found Geneen, it was her or gastric bypass. She was my last "diet." I had the same mentality I had entering every diet I've ever been on. Maybe she can tell me the one thing I need to know to lose weight.

It's about 3 years later now and what I have learned from Geneen has nothing to do with my weight.

I am learning that there is nothing broken. Nothing to fix. And no diet is ever going to be the answer to anything. I also learned to stop looking outside myself for the answers. All the answers I will ever need are within me. I also learned that how I eat is how I live. I am learning that all the extra weight is a result of my unwillingness to feel. An unwillingness to be present for the good and the bad.

I had no idea this path would affect me as deeply as it has.

When I went to my first retreat I do not remember what I expected. What I got was a taste of what it would feel like to be ok with myself. To be gentle. To be kind.

I also remember feeling (not thinking) that if I could bring this feeling to my patients I would make a huge difference in their lives.

I have always believed that the "backstory" is incredibly important when dealing with disease and treatment. When I got home from my first retreat and returned to work, I was acutely aware that people enter my office with the same feelings and fears and baggage I had entering Geneen's retreat. I have always spent a lot of time listening and counseling my patients (end stage kidney disease patients approaching dialysis.) But I was never aware that helping them to be in the moment and feel their feelings would empower them. These people come to me feeling betrayed and abandoned by their bodies. Hating what has happened to them. Wanting me to fix them...or find someone who will.

Using Geneen's work and others like her I have been able to give people something they never thought they would have again...peace. Peace with where they are now and a way to deal with whatever comes to them. It is not always easy but it is simple. Anyone can do it. And it is free. Helping people be present in what IS allows them to move forward with a sense of calm. I stress that there is no magic bullet. I stress presence and kindness and gentleness and awareness. I do not stress perfection. I also focus on the fact that this is a process, not always an easy one, that will take effort, dedication and practice.

And in watching my patients immerse themselves in this work I see their hope come back. But it is not hope to be "fixed." It is hope that their life can stay as rich and full as they let it. Their dedication and openness and willingness to even try this work reminds me to stay on my path even on the hardest of days.


I do not always succeed in this but when I see the difference this approach makes with my patients, I realize that no amount of self analyzing or brain work is going to help me feel nearly as good as I do when I am sitting with what is, just as it is, and not try to fix anything.

A new normal...

So after the weekend rode me hard and put me away wet, I woke up early Monday and hit the treadmill. It felt wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. Went again today and even tho my ankles were killing me, I really enjoyed my time on the treadmill. And not because it will make me skinny, or make me strong or make me anything. I felt good because I listened to my body, and I moved. I was in the moment and that is what is different.

I have spent the majority of my adult life working out to achieve a result. I would push and push and push to a point of, well, misery. And never paid attention to what was happening while I was working out (usually punishment, certainly not enjoyment, let alone joy.) I always focused on what it was gonna be like when it was all finished. When it made me skinny. But do I really want that? I skinny all that? No. No it isn't. And I learned that long long long ago.

So what I am learning is how to be open to what I want from things. And right now, I think there is a piece of me that wants more space.

I feel like there is a place inside me that knows exactly what I want and need to do to be happy...not to mention healthy. I also think that part is spending more time driving the bus.

I also know that it triggers some part of me that is terrified of this change. I have to make space for that part. Let it have some room to breathe. Some room to take up space. Some room to tell me what it believes about me losing weight, being healthy, spending more time just being and being happy.

I have a real resistance to this. I don't want to give it this space. I want to push it away. Pretend it doesn't exist.

But without making peace with this part, I cannot find my true center, my true north.

My new normal.

I want...

eh.

Friday was horrible.
In so many ways.

I find myself wandering into some very old, very mean patterns.
And I am binging.
I feel VERY removed from food right now. Almost like I'm not the one making the decision about what to eat.
I do not feel well physically because I let gluten in 4 days in a row.
Will make a strong effort to just be with this today and see what comes up.

Breathe

So, I got this fabulous meditation class for Christmas and today was the second class. And it was all about breath.

We take it for granted really. I mean, all day, every day, we do it. And never think about it.

Tonight my teacher focused on breathing into the 3 different diaphragms. The experience was so calming, so opening and so very relaxing. I have been having a lot of trouble relaxing. She had us do homework by doing savasana for 10 minutes to relax before sitting. It made me crazy.

I could not calm my mind. Not for a second.

Tonight, focusing on my breath, counting the in breathe, counting the out breath. I calmed. I opened.

I relaxed.

It was wonderful.

Full moon.

It never ever ceases to amaze me how profoundly the phases of the moon affect people.

Today has been insane.

Sick sick sick people trying hard to fight illness and crazy crazy crazy people trying hard to avoid any responsibility for their own well being.

I walked this morning very early, before a very difficult meeting.

In the past i would have used this as an excuse to avoid the gym. Today I got up earlier, did my walk and went to my meeting ready to show up for myself.

And I did.

Today I decided that the most important thing for me to do this year is to figure out what I want. What I really want. Not what I am supposed to want, or want in order to keep things easy, or want so I don't have to do hard stuff.

What I really want.

Today in my meeting I started. I asked for what I want. And right now I don't think it matters if i get it...it matters very much that I showed up for me...and asked.

Set backs are not roadblocks.

So yesterday totally threw me off. I planned poorly and had to accept that if I walked I would miss a meeting. So I skipped walking. I went right into my head. But regrouped quickly and shuffled my schedule. This morning I did my Monday walk instead of a light stroll day. Sunday I did the Wii for 20 min of step and will count that as my stroll. And tomorrow I will be back on schedule.

This is the kind of thing that would throw me for a loop. I would give up or make myself do a crazy long hard walk. Or binge.

So I feel pretty good about the drama free juggle that resulted from this glitch.
Tomorrow I have an 8am meeting which means I need to be at the gym by 6:10 at the latest. I am choosing to believe I will let it happen.

Do. Not. Wanna.

I have my new yoga class tonight and I do not want to go.
I had a do nothing day yesterday but ended up doing 20 min of wii advanced step and boy did it kick my butt! Today I did not plan well and had to swap today and tomorrows training so I could make a transplant meeting.

Off to yoga. Hopefully it will lift my spirits and soothe my body.

OK, I'm back and boy am I glad I went. I felt so good! I was in my body and actually had some moments where I was completely out of my head and in my body.

Heaven.

Week two done!!!

I have finished the second week of training! It was great. Hard but not too hard, fun, and eye opening. I never believed I could get up and to the gym and not bitch the whole time.

But I did it!

On to another week. And I am adding in LIGHT weight training.

I need to focus on strength and stamina in order to build each week on the one before.

I DID IT!!!

So I just finished my first long walk.
YAY ME!!!
It kicked my butt. I did 4 miles in an hour and 20 minutes.

When I realized that I crawled right into my head and began the "you are too out of shape to walk this half marathon in 3 1/2 hours! Look how long this took you and you about died. At this pace it will take you 4 hours and 20 minutes to walk 13 miles! LOSER!"

Then I realized that I have 12 weeks to train and I am training. I will do my best and keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep walking.

I did it. I did it.

A happier more upbeat post later today!

FRIDAY!!!!

And as they say, THANK GOODNESS!
I am so ready for the weekend.
I went to the Y this morning and broke in some new shoes, very exciting, I know, hold me back.

Tomorrow I have my 4 mile walk.
And I feel a wee bit freaked out by it.
I know I will be fine but it still feels a bit daunting.
I am also meeting some dear friends at the Y and hope to have them help me put together a VERY VERY VERY simple strength training program.
Did I mention simple.
And by simple I mean like 5 maybe 10 minutes max 3 days a week.
I wish to dabble in the strength training.

WHY??? You might ask.

Well I'll tell you...I used to be very strong. Competitive figure skater strong. And now I feel weak. I am not wanting Michelle Obama's arms or anything. I just want to strengthen the muscle I have so I can walk better and do yoga better. I have to be very careful not to become too all or nothing about this.
SO...I have challenged two of my snarkiest, most biting and hilarious friends (who are also on a fitness quest and look FABULOUS!) to help me with this. We'll see what they come up with.

As promised, update on my new class. Had my new meditation class last night and it was fabulous. I was incredibly uncomfortable, tight and wound up. I must say, even my BODY resists me being in my body! After an hour and 45 min tho, I was relaxed.
but...
HOMEWORK!!!
So I ave to sit in corpse pose (OK, stretch out in corpse pose) for 10 min 3 times this week (preferably every day) and then sit for 3-5 min.
I did it tonight. And my mind just raced and raced. My chest and belly were tight and I had not one second when my mind stopped racing until I began to sit (10 minutes in mind you) and I had this beautiful, big, expansive moment where I felt my chest and belly open up and my breath come easily. And as soon as it was there it was gone. It happened twice more in that last 5 min and only for a few seconds but I look forward to many many more strings of seconds.

Tomorrow morning...4 whole miles. All together. At once. In a row. With no stopping.

Denial

We all have it.
We all do it.
How do we face it, gently greet it with kindness and open ourselves to the truth?

I walked my 35 min today at the Y and will do it again tomorrow.
Today was hard. Not the physical aspect of it but the mental argument it took to get me out of bed and to the Y before it was too late.
I was very glad I did it and feel better for it.
I am sure there will be many wee morning hour battles between my body and my head.
I just keep this simple idea in my head.
Who do I want to be today? The person who gets up and makes the effort to slowly and lovingly deal with what isn't working or the person who bitches about it and decides, "I can't change it so why bother?" And crawls back under the covers and awakes later to regret and the old familiar loathing.

So far the former is winning.

I have my first meditation and breathing class tonight at The Glowing Body Yoga Studio! One of 2 great classes Jerry got me for Christmas (thanks Santa!) Will let you know how it goes.

Long day

Tomorrow was supposed to be a rest day but today was CRAZY so I didn't get my 30 min in so TODAY is now my rest day and tomorrow is my easy 30. Today was great and rewarding and the meeting with our corporate guys was fabulous but I am SOOOOOO fed up with my partner I just want it to be over...OVER!

Really triggered by something last night and have been mindlessly eating. Trying to process it and be gentle and kind with today's reactivity to someone else's shtick last night. I think I might be projecting. When someone refuses to take responsibility for their role in the dysfunction in their lives I tend to get pissed. I get pissed because I don't always take responsibility for my health, I don't take responsibility for my compulsive eating and I don't take responsibility for trying to eat my way through some of my pain instead of just dealing with it.

I hope to sweat through some of this early at the Y tomorrow.

The Body vs. The Head

So I am in a bit of a twist today. I have been having some backlash about training for this walk.
I have this voice in my head that reminds me that no matter WHAT I do it will never be enough.
So today I went to the Y late (the snow schedule is screwing me up) and got on the treadmill. The tape started playing immediately.
Today is supposed to be a 30 min easy day.
I had to fight to set the time at 30 not and hour.
I also wanted to do a hi MPH and a high incline.
WHY?
Because easy doesn't get the damn job done Denise!!!
I could not shake the voice.
Fortunately I was on a crappy treadmill.
I walked at a 10% incline at 3 MPH (but it felt more like 2.7 and might have been) for about 5 min. I felt the need to pushpushpush to the point of pain.
This is an OLD pattern.
Black and white thinking.
All or nothing thinking.
I let the thought roll and roll and roll through my head.
Meanwhile I let my body do what I knew it needed.
A 30 min easy day.
I kept the incline at a minimum of 5% because my shins hurt on flat and I alternated between 2.7 and 3.0 and for the last min I did 3.5 at 10%. I did some interval switch ups but mainly stuck to an easy day.
Even tho my head was screaming.

I have a loyalty to being fat.
I have a loyalty to being put of shape.
I have a loyalty to listening to the inner critic and doing things that I know will hurt me.
I have a loyalty to the idea of being the person my mother and father needed me to be to keep myself safe.

This beginners mind is helping me slowly build a loyalty to who I really am and the body I am supposed to really have.

And I think I am ready to be patient. And kind.
And listen to my body and not my mind.

SNOW DAY!!!!!!

So today was a 30 minute light day but since I was post call AND it was a snow day I switched today and tomorrow up. Today I did a 20 min stroll around the hospital in the cold! Tomorrow I will do my 30 min on an incline.

On a positive note, I went to Target to buy Super Mario Brothers for the Wii (I suck by the way) and decided to stop in Marshall's and HIT THE MOTHER LODE!!! Got a new pair of New Balance shoes for $29 and a BUNCH of yoga and workout pants. The lady grabbed them out of my hand and marked them down as I was browsing everything else! AWESOME!!!

Tomorrow I am up early and to the gym and on to work to get home early to play more Wii!!!!

So it begins!
My very first blog.
Why the name? Well I have spent so many years hanging on to so much crap, so many stories, so many beliefs about myself and my life and my capabilities. It is time to let that go.
OK, so I have decided to start this to keep myself accountable, well, to me. I have done so much work this past year getting through some very old stuff. Now I want to focus on some things that will help me move forward.
My first goal? A HALF MARATHON!!!!
I will be walking the Covenant half marathon on April 3rd in Knoxville.
I started training while on vacation in Orlando and at sea on a Disney cruise. I began walking the treadmill before I even realized I was gonna do this. My friend Nat ran her first half marathon this year and is going to join me here in Knoxville and run it while I walk it.
I began training this week and am following this training schedule...
http://www.halhigdon.com/halfmarathon/walk.htm
and today was my first long walk.
It kicked my ass.
I am so out of shape but am determined to not judge or shame myself. I am gonna let go of all the shoulds I have developed around exercise and just have a beginners mind about it all.

Wish me luck!