So I have been struggling lately. Well not exactly struggling. More like trying to struggle. See, struggling for me is a well worn coat. It is still hanging in my closet but every time I pick it up to put it on, it just doesn't seem to feel right. However, I keep picking that bastard up.
So I have been going to the Y and doing my training and feel god about it.
Probably a little too good. Which has triggered this longing for my old struggle. I know the struggle. It is familiar. It is comfortable...sort of.
So today I noticed I was kind of trying to shut down. So i binged. Not a volume, cram it all in so you cannot breathe binge. But I ate bread and butter. Now being gluten intolerant makes this a no no for my body. But bread and butter is a red flag combo for me. It numbs me like a drug.
So I noticed I was trying to shut down. Actively, passionately, devotedly trying to shut down.
I just noticed it and didn't force a lot of shit around it. Just noticed.
I also had my last meditation class in my series tonight and I did not want to go at all. After a shitty shitty day at work I wanted to go home and shut down some more.
But I had this thought. Who would I be if I went anyway. Completed this course. Saw it through and let myself just be still tonight.
And I went.
And so I'm sitting there and like 30 minutes in it hits me. I have a tattoo.
HOLY SHIT I FORGOT ALL ABOUT MY TATTOO.
And then I teared up. See, I love my tattoo. It is a the word kindness in henna color at the top of my neck. The only thing that has ever kept me out of my head was kindness. So I decided to permanently etch it into the base of my skull. Easy to see when I wear a pony tail. But all mine when I am at work. I love that tattoo.
And in realizing I had forgotten all about it, I realized I had forgotten to be kind to myself.
I also realized what was probably driving me into my head and what was making me shut down.
I was doing a lot of kindness in the last 6 weeks. And it scared the piss out of the part of me that needs me to be mean to survive. I also know that a workshop this Saturday has been heavy on my mind (probably for the same reason, but more on that later.)
So I will remember my tattoo tonight.
Boy am I glad I went to meditation.
I am right there with ya!
ReplyDeleteI am glad you went to meditation.