The Body vs. The Head

So I am in a bit of a twist today. I have been having some backlash about training for this walk.
I have this voice in my head that reminds me that no matter WHAT I do it will never be enough.
So today I went to the Y late (the snow schedule is screwing me up) and got on the treadmill. The tape started playing immediately.
Today is supposed to be a 30 min easy day.
I had to fight to set the time at 30 not and hour.
I also wanted to do a hi MPH and a high incline.
WHY?
Because easy doesn't get the damn job done Denise!!!
I could not shake the voice.
Fortunately I was on a crappy treadmill.
I walked at a 10% incline at 3 MPH (but it felt more like 2.7 and might have been) for about 5 min. I felt the need to pushpushpush to the point of pain.
This is an OLD pattern.
Black and white thinking.
All or nothing thinking.
I let the thought roll and roll and roll through my head.
Meanwhile I let my body do what I knew it needed.
A 30 min easy day.
I kept the incline at a minimum of 5% because my shins hurt on flat and I alternated between 2.7 and 3.0 and for the last min I did 3.5 at 10%. I did some interval switch ups but mainly stuck to an easy day.
Even tho my head was screaming.

I have a loyalty to being fat.
I have a loyalty to being put of shape.
I have a loyalty to listening to the inner critic and doing things that I know will hurt me.
I have a loyalty to the idea of being the person my mother and father needed me to be to keep myself safe.

This beginners mind is helping me slowly build a loyalty to who I really am and the body I am supposed to really have.

And I think I am ready to be patient. And kind.
And listen to my body and not my mind.