Hard truth.

So the other day I am talking a best friend through a very difficult time. Her story to tell but suffice it to say we were discussing destructive patterns and the difficulty in recognizing them let alone changing them.

At one point I said to her, "Look, I, better than most, totally understand the feeling of being powerless over your actions when it comes to old patterns." I then explained how I found myself putting myself into situations where there is food. Lots and lots of food. And how I know that if I put myself there in that situation, I will eat.

Every single time.

Mid sentence I felt like I had been slapped in the face. This is true. Very very true. Too true.

During this conversation I am shopping in Pigeon Forge. There are some stores there that have samples. I always go in them. To shop? Fuck no. To put myself in the proximity of food. So that very day I went to 2 of them (actually looking for a tortilla press) and ate nothing but was crazy aware of the pull of the gluten rich pretzels and dips. The third was Harry and David and I had a chip and dip. I also noticed how pissed i am that they police their samples and hand them out one by one. I noticed that feeling and realized what I really hated was being prevented from binging.

So the last few days I have been paying attention to food. In doing this I have started tracking my food. A food diary if you will. The tool I use is on Sparkpeople so I always see calories and get a report card. It is a dangerous as a scale for me.

There is a lure for me to follow what they tell me to eat. Be good. Fudge on what I actually ate so the numbers look prettier and more in line.

But this time I am doing it differently. Honestly. Non-judgementally. AFTER I ate it.

It has been helping me be mindful. Thoughtful in a way that has been different from the times I tracked before.

I have problems with trust. Mainly trusting myself to know what is right for my body or even how I actually feel with certain foods in my body. So I am teaching myself trust. Mainly, I am teaching myself that, when left to my own devices, I will not eat calorie after calorie with wild abandon. I will not fall into a hole of binging.

I am going to have to be very careful with this tho. I can feel the old pattern and the disconnected, "diet-y" feeling I have gotten before when I tracked lurking in the corner.

For now, I am stayng in the moment and trusting the process. And working very very very hard to be non-judgemental and realize that eating 9 pieces of candy on Valentines day landed me well within the recommended calories but way off in how I felt in my body.

It's a process. It's a process. It's a process.