My love letter to Geneen...

Those who know me know I have been doing retreats with Geneen Roth for almost 3 years. This work is incredibly important to me and I am forever indebted to her for her brave honesty and the willingness to put it all out there for the world.

SOOOOO......

When I got an email from her assistant Judy asking me if I would write a few words (riiiight) about how the work has affected me and how I use it in my professional life, I was honored. She is putting together a proposal for a PBS show about her work and professional women (like myself) so she asked if i would be willing to be quoted.

I struggled with this after I said yes. I could not get it down on paper. But I finally did. And here it is...

I came to Geneen's work desperate, frightened, worried and out of options. I was also looking for someone else to fix me. I have tried every diet known to man and had gone from a white knuckled 115 pounds to a despondent 266 pounds. I was desperate and frustrated and couldn't figure out why I was unable to figure out this weight thing. The world saw me as a smart, bright, funny, articulate and accomplished woman. After almost 25 years of therapy I could not figure out why I saw myself as an insignificant, shameful failure. All my worth was tied up in my weight. As a physician I thought I should have the answers and I actually believed that no one knew my dirty little secret...I was fat. And I was totally out of control. I felt helpless, I felt alone. I also still believed I could diet my way to the solution. If I could just be thin everything would be okay.

When I found Geneen, it was her or gastric bypass. She was my last "diet." I had the same mentality I had entering every diet I've ever been on. Maybe she can tell me the one thing I need to know to lose weight.

It's about 3 years later now and what I have learned from Geneen has nothing to do with my weight.

I am learning that there is nothing broken. Nothing to fix. And no diet is ever going to be the answer to anything. I also learned to stop looking outside myself for the answers. All the answers I will ever need are within me. I also learned that how I eat is how I live. I am learning that all the extra weight is a result of my unwillingness to feel. An unwillingness to be present for the good and the bad.

I had no idea this path would affect me as deeply as it has.

When I went to my first retreat I do not remember what I expected. What I got was a taste of what it would feel like to be ok with myself. To be gentle. To be kind.

I also remember feeling (not thinking) that if I could bring this feeling to my patients I would make a huge difference in their lives.

I have always believed that the "backstory" is incredibly important when dealing with disease and treatment. When I got home from my first retreat and returned to work, I was acutely aware that people enter my office with the same feelings and fears and baggage I had entering Geneen's retreat. I have always spent a lot of time listening and counseling my patients (end stage kidney disease patients approaching dialysis.) But I was never aware that helping them to be in the moment and feel their feelings would empower them. These people come to me feeling betrayed and abandoned by their bodies. Hating what has happened to them. Wanting me to fix them...or find someone who will.

Using Geneen's work and others like her I have been able to give people something they never thought they would have again...peace. Peace with where they are now and a way to deal with whatever comes to them. It is not always easy but it is simple. Anyone can do it. And it is free. Helping people be present in what IS allows them to move forward with a sense of calm. I stress that there is no magic bullet. I stress presence and kindness and gentleness and awareness. I do not stress perfection. I also focus on the fact that this is a process, not always an easy one, that will take effort, dedication and practice.

And in watching my patients immerse themselves in this work I see their hope come back. But it is not hope to be "fixed." It is hope that their life can stay as rich and full as they let it. Their dedication and openness and willingness to even try this work reminds me to stay on my path even on the hardest of days.


I do not always succeed in this but when I see the difference this approach makes with my patients, I realize that no amount of self analyzing or brain work is going to help me feel nearly as good as I do when I am sitting with what is, just as it is, and not try to fix anything.