Backlash.

So yesterday was one of the best, most satisfying day of training I have had. I had a moment in the morning where I didn't want to go to the Y. But I did and I did 5 miles in 92 minutes. Toward the end of this walk I realized...I am going to be able to do this. I am going to be able to finish this marathon in the allotted time of 3 1/2 hours.

And then all hell broke loose.

I went through every negative thought scenario I have ever had run through my mind. I believed them too. I was gonna lose my job, I was never going to lose weight. I was gonna die fron cancer or a heart attack. And on and on and on.

Then this morning I woke up feeling "in trouble." This is an OLD pattern of mine that rarely bothers me. I went back to sleep. I woke up better and then had an unexpected phone call from a friend asking my husband to help move a friend who had essentially done nothing to prepare for her eviction...which was about to occur in 23 hours. So all the plans we had for a family day went out the door as my husband went to help a friend in need. I was furious. Of course it had nothing to do with this good friend who had probably done nothing due to feeling paralyzed with fear of losing a home for her and her 2 children. But I could not see that.

I felt mean and angry and abusive.

I made my daughter cry. I snapped at my husband. And I could not get myself out of my head. I finally told my friend Stephanie about it. And I said I had no idea why. I told the truth.

In that moment I felt everything open up but was too afraid to admit it.

Why all this?

Well if I am honest there is a part of me who is TERRIFIED that I am gonna get this healthy eating and moving thing under control and I am going to lose weight. And if that happens I am going to die.

Why this part believes this? I have no real concrete idea. BUT it sure feels desperate.

I plan on focusing on this this week and this weekend at a workshop I am attending.

I also plan on pushing forward with my training because that and that alone makes me feel wonderful and makes this all get smaller and more manageable.