I want...

So since yesterday absolutely KICKED MY ASS I feel a bit raw today.
But raw is good, right?
Yesterday I ate. And ate. And ate.
Yesterday was so similar to old me that it frightened me a bit.
I ate fistfuls of gluten and ate WAY past full.
I didn't get to walk but that's OK because I switched with today's rest schedule.
A lot is coming up right now and I feel like there is a part of me...a very active, very determined, very strong part of me, that has a vested interest in keeping me fat.
I have avoided dealing with this inner voice for a long time.
Was I aware I wasn't dealing with it?
No and sure.

One thing I do know is that I feel ready to deal with it now.
I don't wanna fight it. I don't wanna strong arm it. And I don't wanna hate it.

I just wanna know what the fuck motivates it.

For the last 20 years of various forms of therapy I have become who I want to be in so many areas.
This one is not one of them.
I have felt very guilty about asking for this one thing I want. Almost like it is not allowed in my world.

But I promised myself I would use this year to figure out what I really want. So fuck it. I am going to just say it and be ready for the backlash.

I want to lose weight.