OK, so I am not Striesand.
I had to go through pictures today to take to the retreat. My assignment is to bring pictures of myself in various stages and moods. Was I happy, sad, scared, etc.
So I went through the photos I have. All as an adult. The few I have as a child my mom has cemented into a scrapbook. I have a very hard time removing them so I am not able to use them. Dammit.
I also noticed that looking at my adult pictures I realized I never look at my pictures of me. Pictures taken when I thought I was unhappy because I was fat, pictures I avoided because I thought I was fat, pictures I hid because I thought I was fat. Pictures of me hiding behind people because I thought I was fat. Pictures of just my head because I thought I was fat. Well, you get the picture.
I noticed something. I noticed I was a lot happier than I realized at the time. And that upset me a bit. I feel like I missed the moment because I was telling myself a story about hoe that particular moment was not important or good or happy because I wasn't where I wanted to be with my weight.
I was quite weight-centric.
Anyway. Today I noticed i had joy in my life regardless of my size. I laughed with my husband, giggled with friends and family, danced with a dolphin (OH YES I DID!) And enjoyed it.
And then obviously talked myself out of it.
I am going to remember those pictures. And how shocked I was that I was happy. Like I got caught doing something that would get me in trouble.
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