So today I noticed, as I was driving, I have this odd sensation. It is a feeling I am not quite used to. It is this core of contentment. It isn't blaring JOYJOYJOY or giddy happiness about "something." It is just this soft sigh of "hhhHHHHHmmmmmm" and a tiny little smile.
I think it means I am happy.
I have had it at some point in the day for the last 3 or 4 days. It definitely sends off bells and whistles of warning. I seem to know somewhere in my heart that being happy, content joyful in my youth resulted in an attack.
Even has I write that, I have feelings of denial and guilt. YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT!!! They only wanted you to be happy you selfish egocentric bitch! You need drama and a way to victimize yourself to even BREATHE most days.
But, no.
I know it is true. I know I have trouble with good and well and successfull and attractive and thin, so of course I have trouble with happy.
I look for every opportunity to lick the red off that lollipop. Not today.
Today I am going to let myself be aware that I am happy with my life. Period. No exceptions. No only ifs. No footnotes.
Just be OK with happy.
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