Backlash.

So yesterday was one of the best, most satisfying day of training I have had. I had a moment in the morning where I didn't want to go to the Y. But I did and I did 5 miles in 92 minutes. Toward the end of this walk I realized...I am going to be able to do this. I am going to be able to finish this marathon in the allotted time of 3 1/2 hours.

And then all hell broke loose.

I went through every negative thought scenario I have ever had run through my mind. I believed them too. I was gonna lose my job, I was never going to lose weight. I was gonna die fron cancer or a heart attack. And on and on and on.

Then this morning I woke up feeling "in trouble." This is an OLD pattern of mine that rarely bothers me. I went back to sleep. I woke up better and then had an unexpected phone call from a friend asking my husband to help move a friend who had essentially done nothing to prepare for her eviction...which was about to occur in 23 hours. So all the plans we had for a family day went out the door as my husband went to help a friend in need. I was furious. Of course it had nothing to do with this good friend who had probably done nothing due to feeling paralyzed with fear of losing a home for her and her 2 children. But I could not see that.

I felt mean and angry and abusive.

I made my daughter cry. I snapped at my husband. And I could not get myself out of my head. I finally told my friend Stephanie about it. And I said I had no idea why. I told the truth.

In that moment I felt everything open up but was too afraid to admit it.

Why all this?

Well if I am honest there is a part of me who is TERRIFIED that I am gonna get this healthy eating and moving thing under control and I am going to lose weight. And if that happens I am going to die.

Why this part believes this? I have no real concrete idea. BUT it sure feels desperate.

I plan on focusing on this this week and this weekend at a workshop I am attending.

I also plan on pushing forward with my training because that and that alone makes me feel wonderful and makes this all get smaller and more manageable.

Oh yeah, the half marathon training!

This week has been FABULOUS!!! Last week kind of bit and was all mumbo jumbo and tossed around but I got all but one day of training in so that was fabulous and I was happy even tho I wasn't perfect (THIS is HUGE progress!) But this week was awesome.

I am finishing my fifth week of being committed to moving my body. Since the day after Christmas I have moved at least 4-5 days a week. This week I felt good, and really really enjoyed being at the Y every morning (except Thursday my rest day) and look forward (WHAT?) to my 5 mile day tomorrow.

I have not added weight/strength training yet, but tomorrow might very well be the day!

My love letter to Geneen...

Those who know me know I have been doing retreats with Geneen Roth for almost 3 years. This work is incredibly important to me and I am forever indebted to her for her brave honesty and the willingness to put it all out there for the world.

SOOOOO......

When I got an email from her assistant Judy asking me if I would write a few words (riiiight) about how the work has affected me and how I use it in my professional life, I was honored. She is putting together a proposal for a PBS show about her work and professional women (like myself) so she asked if i would be willing to be quoted.

I struggled with this after I said yes. I could not get it down on paper. But I finally did. And here it is...

I came to Geneen's work desperate, frightened, worried and out of options. I was also looking for someone else to fix me. I have tried every diet known to man and had gone from a white knuckled 115 pounds to a despondent 266 pounds. I was desperate and frustrated and couldn't figure out why I was unable to figure out this weight thing. The world saw me as a smart, bright, funny, articulate and accomplished woman. After almost 25 years of therapy I could not figure out why I saw myself as an insignificant, shameful failure. All my worth was tied up in my weight. As a physician I thought I should have the answers and I actually believed that no one knew my dirty little secret...I was fat. And I was totally out of control. I felt helpless, I felt alone. I also still believed I could diet my way to the solution. If I could just be thin everything would be okay.

When I found Geneen, it was her or gastric bypass. She was my last "diet." I had the same mentality I had entering every diet I've ever been on. Maybe she can tell me the one thing I need to know to lose weight.

It's about 3 years later now and what I have learned from Geneen has nothing to do with my weight.

I am learning that there is nothing broken. Nothing to fix. And no diet is ever going to be the answer to anything. I also learned to stop looking outside myself for the answers. All the answers I will ever need are within me. I also learned that how I eat is how I live. I am learning that all the extra weight is a result of my unwillingness to feel. An unwillingness to be present for the good and the bad.

I had no idea this path would affect me as deeply as it has.

When I went to my first retreat I do not remember what I expected. What I got was a taste of what it would feel like to be ok with myself. To be gentle. To be kind.

I also remember feeling (not thinking) that if I could bring this feeling to my patients I would make a huge difference in their lives.

I have always believed that the "backstory" is incredibly important when dealing with disease and treatment. When I got home from my first retreat and returned to work, I was acutely aware that people enter my office with the same feelings and fears and baggage I had entering Geneen's retreat. I have always spent a lot of time listening and counseling my patients (end stage kidney disease patients approaching dialysis.) But I was never aware that helping them to be in the moment and feel their feelings would empower them. These people come to me feeling betrayed and abandoned by their bodies. Hating what has happened to them. Wanting me to fix them...or find someone who will.

Using Geneen's work and others like her I have been able to give people something they never thought they would have again...peace. Peace with where they are now and a way to deal with whatever comes to them. It is not always easy but it is simple. Anyone can do it. And it is free. Helping people be present in what IS allows them to move forward with a sense of calm. I stress that there is no magic bullet. I stress presence and kindness and gentleness and awareness. I do not stress perfection. I also focus on the fact that this is a process, not always an easy one, that will take effort, dedication and practice.

And in watching my patients immerse themselves in this work I see their hope come back. But it is not hope to be "fixed." It is hope that their life can stay as rich and full as they let it. Their dedication and openness and willingness to even try this work reminds me to stay on my path even on the hardest of days.


I do not always succeed in this but when I see the difference this approach makes with my patients, I realize that no amount of self analyzing or brain work is going to help me feel nearly as good as I do when I am sitting with what is, just as it is, and not try to fix anything.

A new normal...

So after the weekend rode me hard and put me away wet, I woke up early Monday and hit the treadmill. It felt wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. Went again today and even tho my ankles were killing me, I really enjoyed my time on the treadmill. And not because it will make me skinny, or make me strong or make me anything. I felt good because I listened to my body, and I moved. I was in the moment and that is what is different.

I have spent the majority of my adult life working out to achieve a result. I would push and push and push to a point of, well, misery. And never paid attention to what was happening while I was working out (usually punishment, certainly not enjoyment, let alone joy.) I always focused on what it was gonna be like when it was all finished. When it made me skinny. But do I really want that? I skinny all that? No. No it isn't. And I learned that long long long ago.

So what I am learning is how to be open to what I want from things. And right now, I think there is a piece of me that wants more space.

I feel like there is a place inside me that knows exactly what I want and need to do to be happy...not to mention healthy. I also think that part is spending more time driving the bus.

I also know that it triggers some part of me that is terrified of this change. I have to make space for that part. Let it have some room to breathe. Some room to take up space. Some room to tell me what it believes about me losing weight, being healthy, spending more time just being and being happy.

I have a real resistance to this. I don't want to give it this space. I want to push it away. Pretend it doesn't exist.

But without making peace with this part, I cannot find my true center, my true north.

My new normal.

I want...

eh.

Friday was horrible.
In so many ways.

I find myself wandering into some very old, very mean patterns.
And I am binging.
I feel VERY removed from food right now. Almost like I'm not the one making the decision about what to eat.
I do not feel well physically because I let gluten in 4 days in a row.
Will make a strong effort to just be with this today and see what comes up.

Breathe

So, I got this fabulous meditation class for Christmas and today was the second class. And it was all about breath.

We take it for granted really. I mean, all day, every day, we do it. And never think about it.

Tonight my teacher focused on breathing into the 3 different diaphragms. The experience was so calming, so opening and so very relaxing. I have been having a lot of trouble relaxing. She had us do homework by doing savasana for 10 minutes to relax before sitting. It made me crazy.

I could not calm my mind. Not for a second.

Tonight, focusing on my breath, counting the in breathe, counting the out breath. I calmed. I opened.

I relaxed.

It was wonderful.

Full moon.

It never ever ceases to amaze me how profoundly the phases of the moon affect people.

Today has been insane.

Sick sick sick people trying hard to fight illness and crazy crazy crazy people trying hard to avoid any responsibility for their own well being.

I walked this morning very early, before a very difficult meeting.

In the past i would have used this as an excuse to avoid the gym. Today I got up earlier, did my walk and went to my meeting ready to show up for myself.

And I did.

Today I decided that the most important thing for me to do this year is to figure out what I want. What I really want. Not what I am supposed to want, or want in order to keep things easy, or want so I don't have to do hard stuff.

What I really want.

Today in my meeting I started. I asked for what I want. And right now I don't think it matters if i get it...it matters very much that I showed up for me...and asked.

Set backs are not roadblocks.

So yesterday totally threw me off. I planned poorly and had to accept that if I walked I would miss a meeting. So I skipped walking. I went right into my head. But regrouped quickly and shuffled my schedule. This morning I did my Monday walk instead of a light stroll day. Sunday I did the Wii for 20 min of step and will count that as my stroll. And tomorrow I will be back on schedule.

This is the kind of thing that would throw me for a loop. I would give up or make myself do a crazy long hard walk. Or binge.

So I feel pretty good about the drama free juggle that resulted from this glitch.
Tomorrow I have an 8am meeting which means I need to be at the gym by 6:10 at the latest. I am choosing to believe I will let it happen.

Do. Not. Wanna.

I have my new yoga class tonight and I do not want to go.
I had a do nothing day yesterday but ended up doing 20 min of wii advanced step and boy did it kick my butt! Today I did not plan well and had to swap today and tomorrows training so I could make a transplant meeting.

Off to yoga. Hopefully it will lift my spirits and soothe my body.

OK, I'm back and boy am I glad I went. I felt so good! I was in my body and actually had some moments where I was completely out of my head and in my body.

Heaven.

Week two done!!!

I have finished the second week of training! It was great. Hard but not too hard, fun, and eye opening. I never believed I could get up and to the gym and not bitch the whole time.

But I did it!

On to another week. And I am adding in LIGHT weight training.

I need to focus on strength and stamina in order to build each week on the one before.

I DID IT!!!

So I just finished my first long walk.
YAY ME!!!
It kicked my butt. I did 4 miles in an hour and 20 minutes.

When I realized that I crawled right into my head and began the "you are too out of shape to walk this half marathon in 3 1/2 hours! Look how long this took you and you about died. At this pace it will take you 4 hours and 20 minutes to walk 13 miles! LOSER!"

Then I realized that I have 12 weeks to train and I am training. I will do my best and keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep walking.

I did it. I did it.

A happier more upbeat post later today!

FRIDAY!!!!

And as they say, THANK GOODNESS!
I am so ready for the weekend.
I went to the Y this morning and broke in some new shoes, very exciting, I know, hold me back.

Tomorrow I have my 4 mile walk.
And I feel a wee bit freaked out by it.
I know I will be fine but it still feels a bit daunting.
I am also meeting some dear friends at the Y and hope to have them help me put together a VERY VERY VERY simple strength training program.
Did I mention simple.
And by simple I mean like 5 maybe 10 minutes max 3 days a week.
I wish to dabble in the strength training.

WHY??? You might ask.

Well I'll tell you...I used to be very strong. Competitive figure skater strong. And now I feel weak. I am not wanting Michelle Obama's arms or anything. I just want to strengthen the muscle I have so I can walk better and do yoga better. I have to be very careful not to become too all or nothing about this.
SO...I have challenged two of my snarkiest, most biting and hilarious friends (who are also on a fitness quest and look FABULOUS!) to help me with this. We'll see what they come up with.

As promised, update on my new class. Had my new meditation class last night and it was fabulous. I was incredibly uncomfortable, tight and wound up. I must say, even my BODY resists me being in my body! After an hour and 45 min tho, I was relaxed.
but...
HOMEWORK!!!
So I ave to sit in corpse pose (OK, stretch out in corpse pose) for 10 min 3 times this week (preferably every day) and then sit for 3-5 min.
I did it tonight. And my mind just raced and raced. My chest and belly were tight and I had not one second when my mind stopped racing until I began to sit (10 minutes in mind you) and I had this beautiful, big, expansive moment where I felt my chest and belly open up and my breath come easily. And as soon as it was there it was gone. It happened twice more in that last 5 min and only for a few seconds but I look forward to many many more strings of seconds.

Tomorrow morning...4 whole miles. All together. At once. In a row. With no stopping.

Denial

We all have it.
We all do it.
How do we face it, gently greet it with kindness and open ourselves to the truth?

I walked my 35 min today at the Y and will do it again tomorrow.
Today was hard. Not the physical aspect of it but the mental argument it took to get me out of bed and to the Y before it was too late.
I was very glad I did it and feel better for it.
I am sure there will be many wee morning hour battles between my body and my head.
I just keep this simple idea in my head.
Who do I want to be today? The person who gets up and makes the effort to slowly and lovingly deal with what isn't working or the person who bitches about it and decides, "I can't change it so why bother?" And crawls back under the covers and awakes later to regret and the old familiar loathing.

So far the former is winning.

I have my first meditation and breathing class tonight at The Glowing Body Yoga Studio! One of 2 great classes Jerry got me for Christmas (thanks Santa!) Will let you know how it goes.

Long day

Tomorrow was supposed to be a rest day but today was CRAZY so I didn't get my 30 min in so TODAY is now my rest day and tomorrow is my easy 30. Today was great and rewarding and the meeting with our corporate guys was fabulous but I am SOOOOOO fed up with my partner I just want it to be over...OVER!

Really triggered by something last night and have been mindlessly eating. Trying to process it and be gentle and kind with today's reactivity to someone else's shtick last night. I think I might be projecting. When someone refuses to take responsibility for their role in the dysfunction in their lives I tend to get pissed. I get pissed because I don't always take responsibility for my health, I don't take responsibility for my compulsive eating and I don't take responsibility for trying to eat my way through some of my pain instead of just dealing with it.

I hope to sweat through some of this early at the Y tomorrow.

The Body vs. The Head

So I am in a bit of a twist today. I have been having some backlash about training for this walk.
I have this voice in my head that reminds me that no matter WHAT I do it will never be enough.
So today I went to the Y late (the snow schedule is screwing me up) and got on the treadmill. The tape started playing immediately.
Today is supposed to be a 30 min easy day.
I had to fight to set the time at 30 not and hour.
I also wanted to do a hi MPH and a high incline.
WHY?
Because easy doesn't get the damn job done Denise!!!
I could not shake the voice.
Fortunately I was on a crappy treadmill.
I walked at a 10% incline at 3 MPH (but it felt more like 2.7 and might have been) for about 5 min. I felt the need to pushpushpush to the point of pain.
This is an OLD pattern.
Black and white thinking.
All or nothing thinking.
I let the thought roll and roll and roll through my head.
Meanwhile I let my body do what I knew it needed.
A 30 min easy day.
I kept the incline at a minimum of 5% because my shins hurt on flat and I alternated between 2.7 and 3.0 and for the last min I did 3.5 at 10%. I did some interval switch ups but mainly stuck to an easy day.
Even tho my head was screaming.

I have a loyalty to being fat.
I have a loyalty to being put of shape.
I have a loyalty to listening to the inner critic and doing things that I know will hurt me.
I have a loyalty to the idea of being the person my mother and father needed me to be to keep myself safe.

This beginners mind is helping me slowly build a loyalty to who I really am and the body I am supposed to really have.

And I think I am ready to be patient. And kind.
And listen to my body and not my mind.

SNOW DAY!!!!!!

So today was a 30 minute light day but since I was post call AND it was a snow day I switched today and tomorrow up. Today I did a 20 min stroll around the hospital in the cold! Tomorrow I will do my 30 min on an incline.

On a positive note, I went to Target to buy Super Mario Brothers for the Wii (I suck by the way) and decided to stop in Marshall's and HIT THE MOTHER LODE!!! Got a new pair of New Balance shoes for $29 and a BUNCH of yoga and workout pants. The lady grabbed them out of my hand and marked them down as I was browsing everything else! AWESOME!!!

Tomorrow I am up early and to the gym and on to work to get home early to play more Wii!!!!

So it begins!
My very first blog.
Why the name? Well I have spent so many years hanging on to so much crap, so many stories, so many beliefs about myself and my life and my capabilities. It is time to let that go.
OK, so I have decided to start this to keep myself accountable, well, to me. I have done so much work this past year getting through some very old stuff. Now I want to focus on some things that will help me move forward.
My first goal? A HALF MARATHON!!!!
I will be walking the Covenant half marathon on April 3rd in Knoxville.
I started training while on vacation in Orlando and at sea on a Disney cruise. I began walking the treadmill before I even realized I was gonna do this. My friend Nat ran her first half marathon this year and is going to join me here in Knoxville and run it while I walk it.
I began training this week and am following this training schedule...
http://www.halhigdon.com/halfmarathon/walk.htm
and today was my first long walk.
It kicked my ass.
I am so out of shape but am determined to not judge or shame myself. I am gonna let go of all the shoulds I have developed around exercise and just have a beginners mind about it all.

Wish me luck!