Backlash.

So yesterday was one of the best, most satisfying day of training I have had. I had a moment in the morning where I didn't want to go to the Y. But I did and I did 5 miles in 92 minutes. Toward the end of this walk I realized...I am going to be able to do this. I am going to be able to finish this marathon in the allotted time of 3 1/2 hours.

And then all hell broke loose.

I went through every negative thought scenario I have ever had run through my mind. I believed them too. I was gonna lose my job, I was never going to lose weight. I was gonna die fron cancer or a heart attack. And on and on and on.

Then this morning I woke up feeling "in trouble." This is an OLD pattern of mine that rarely bothers me. I went back to sleep. I woke up better and then had an unexpected phone call from a friend asking my husband to help move a friend who had essentially done nothing to prepare for her eviction...which was about to occur in 23 hours. So all the plans we had for a family day went out the door as my husband went to help a friend in need. I was furious. Of course it had nothing to do with this good friend who had probably done nothing due to feeling paralyzed with fear of losing a home for her and her 2 children. But I could not see that.

I felt mean and angry and abusive.

I made my daughter cry. I snapped at my husband. And I could not get myself out of my head. I finally told my friend Stephanie about it. And I said I had no idea why. I told the truth.

In that moment I felt everything open up but was too afraid to admit it.

Why all this?

Well if I am honest there is a part of me who is TERRIFIED that I am gonna get this healthy eating and moving thing under control and I am going to lose weight. And if that happens I am going to die.

Why this part believes this? I have no real concrete idea. BUT it sure feels desperate.

I plan on focusing on this this week and this weekend at a workshop I am attending.

I also plan on pushing forward with my training because that and that alone makes me feel wonderful and makes this all get smaller and more manageable.

Oh yeah, the half marathon training!

This week has been FABULOUS!!! Last week kind of bit and was all mumbo jumbo and tossed around but I got all but one day of training in so that was fabulous and I was happy even tho I wasn't perfect (THIS is HUGE progress!) But this week was awesome.

I am finishing my fifth week of being committed to moving my body. Since the day after Christmas I have moved at least 4-5 days a week. This week I felt good, and really really enjoyed being at the Y every morning (except Thursday my rest day) and look forward (WHAT?) to my 5 mile day tomorrow.

I have not added weight/strength training yet, but tomorrow might very well be the day!

My love letter to Geneen...

Those who know me know I have been doing retreats with Geneen Roth for almost 3 years. This work is incredibly important to me and I am forever indebted to her for her brave honesty and the willingness to put it all out there for the world.

SOOOOO......

When I got an email from her assistant Judy asking me if I would write a few words (riiiight) about how the work has affected me and how I use it in my professional life, I was honored. She is putting together a proposal for a PBS show about her work and professional women (like myself) so she asked if i would be willing to be quoted.

I struggled with this after I said yes. I could not get it down on paper. But I finally did. And here it is...

I came to Geneen's work desperate, frightened, worried and out of options. I was also looking for someone else to fix me. I have tried every diet known to man and had gone from a white knuckled 115 pounds to a despondent 266 pounds. I was desperate and frustrated and couldn't figure out why I was unable to figure out this weight thing. The world saw me as a smart, bright, funny, articulate and accomplished woman. After almost 25 years of therapy I could not figure out why I saw myself as an insignificant, shameful failure. All my worth was tied up in my weight. As a physician I thought I should have the answers and I actually believed that no one knew my dirty little secret...I was fat. And I was totally out of control. I felt helpless, I felt alone. I also still believed I could diet my way to the solution. If I could just be thin everything would be okay.

When I found Geneen, it was her or gastric bypass. She was my last "diet." I had the same mentality I had entering every diet I've ever been on. Maybe she can tell me the one thing I need to know to lose weight.

It's about 3 years later now and what I have learned from Geneen has nothing to do with my weight.

I am learning that there is nothing broken. Nothing to fix. And no diet is ever going to be the answer to anything. I also learned to stop looking outside myself for the answers. All the answers I will ever need are within me. I also learned that how I eat is how I live. I am learning that all the extra weight is a result of my unwillingness to feel. An unwillingness to be present for the good and the bad.

I had no idea this path would affect me as deeply as it has.

When I went to my first retreat I do not remember what I expected. What I got was a taste of what it would feel like to be ok with myself. To be gentle. To be kind.

I also remember feeling (not thinking) that if I could bring this feeling to my patients I would make a huge difference in their lives.

I have always believed that the "backstory" is incredibly important when dealing with disease and treatment. When I got home from my first retreat and returned to work, I was acutely aware that people enter my office with the same feelings and fears and baggage I had entering Geneen's retreat. I have always spent a lot of time listening and counseling my patients (end stage kidney disease patients approaching dialysis.) But I was never aware that helping them to be in the moment and feel their feelings would empower them. These people come to me feeling betrayed and abandoned by their bodies. Hating what has happened to them. Wanting me to fix them...or find someone who will.

Using Geneen's work and others like her I have been able to give people something they never thought they would have again...peace. Peace with where they are now and a way to deal with whatever comes to them. It is not always easy but it is simple. Anyone can do it. And it is free. Helping people be present in what IS allows them to move forward with a sense of calm. I stress that there is no magic bullet. I stress presence and kindness and gentleness and awareness. I do not stress perfection. I also focus on the fact that this is a process, not always an easy one, that will take effort, dedication and practice.

And in watching my patients immerse themselves in this work I see their hope come back. But it is not hope to be "fixed." It is hope that their life can stay as rich and full as they let it. Their dedication and openness and willingness to even try this work reminds me to stay on my path even on the hardest of days.


I do not always succeed in this but when I see the difference this approach makes with my patients, I realize that no amount of self analyzing or brain work is going to help me feel nearly as good as I do when I am sitting with what is, just as it is, and not try to fix anything.

A new normal...

So after the weekend rode me hard and put me away wet, I woke up early Monday and hit the treadmill. It felt wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. Went again today and even tho my ankles were killing me, I really enjoyed my time on the treadmill. And not because it will make me skinny, or make me strong or make me anything. I felt good because I listened to my body, and I moved. I was in the moment and that is what is different.

I have spent the majority of my adult life working out to achieve a result. I would push and push and push to a point of, well, misery. And never paid attention to what was happening while I was working out (usually punishment, certainly not enjoyment, let alone joy.) I always focused on what it was gonna be like when it was all finished. When it made me skinny. But do I really want that? I skinny all that? No. No it isn't. And I learned that long long long ago.

So what I am learning is how to be open to what I want from things. And right now, I think there is a piece of me that wants more space.

I feel like there is a place inside me that knows exactly what I want and need to do to be happy...not to mention healthy. I also think that part is spending more time driving the bus.

I also know that it triggers some part of me that is terrified of this change. I have to make space for that part. Let it have some room to breathe. Some room to take up space. Some room to tell me what it believes about me losing weight, being healthy, spending more time just being and being happy.

I have a real resistance to this. I don't want to give it this space. I want to push it away. Pretend it doesn't exist.

But without making peace with this part, I cannot find my true center, my true north.

My new normal.

I want...

eh.

Friday was horrible.
In so many ways.

I find myself wandering into some very old, very mean patterns.
And I am binging.
I feel VERY removed from food right now. Almost like I'm not the one making the decision about what to eat.
I do not feel well physically because I let gluten in 4 days in a row.
Will make a strong effort to just be with this today and see what comes up.

Breathe

So, I got this fabulous meditation class for Christmas and today was the second class. And it was all about breath.

We take it for granted really. I mean, all day, every day, we do it. And never think about it.

Tonight my teacher focused on breathing into the 3 different diaphragms. The experience was so calming, so opening and so very relaxing. I have been having a lot of trouble relaxing. She had us do homework by doing savasana for 10 minutes to relax before sitting. It made me crazy.

I could not calm my mind. Not for a second.

Tonight, focusing on my breath, counting the in breathe, counting the out breath. I calmed. I opened.

I relaxed.

It was wonderful.