ahhhhhhhhh...

My husband turned on the air tonight.

Without me asking.

I think he has a tumor.

It is 90 frickin frackin' degrees today.

I am wrestling with some worth demons. Had a long and frustrating meeting last night but am extremely proud that I held it together and spoke up for myself and was able to articulate my points wether they listened or not.

Now I need to accept that I am worth the effort to fight for myself. And accept that I am OK and safe when I speak up in my own best interest. Not sure when this became so difficult but am guessing it was a long long time ago.

Oh, and I walked 3.5 miles today. YAY ME!!!

Harrrruuuuummmmph.

Tired, cranky, post call.

But...

I had a very good session with Lauren yesterday and had a very real vision of the part of me who eats. She looked NOTHING like I thought she would. And she is definitely a VERY old part. And she is not threatening and I think her skills would be very well suited in another position in my life. It was quite earth shattering. I was a bit shocked. But in a good way.

Big meeting tonight with my group and part of me is very much looking forward to it...part of me, not so much.

So it has been a MONTH since I last posted??? Wow. And I have to say it has been quite on purpose. This avoiding thing. So my new goal, for me and just me, will be to post daily. Even if it is just a sentence. To keep myself company. Over the last month the backlash took over. Ran amok as one might say. I stopped doing things that kept me present. I am going to try and be there for me in this form.

The transition...

So now I am trying to train to learn how to run. Actually the body work seems basic. Do this for x amount of days, increase running by small increments. Eventually take x days to be able to run for 30 min at a time. Long enough to finish a 5K running. And the x...it is variable dependent upon how my body takes to this. The unknown.

Another unknown? My mind. It is NOT handling this well. It is still a wee bit freaked out and backlashy about the half marathon. But we will keep showing up. Keep dealing with the little bumps in the road.

I am realizing that my biggest road block is my weight. Not just for the running, but for everything.

The half marathon showed me one thing very clearly. I can accomplish physical challenges. I am an athlete. I feel FABULOUS when I use my loyal and trusty body to accomplish physical challenges.

And this threatens everything I believe myself to be.

So my next task is to redefine those beliefs and start living based on them. The other task is to fight myself (my old self) and figure out how to get this weight off.

And on to the next...

WOW! it has been almost a month since I last blogged and I want to start doing this again and again to keep myself present and positive.

So one week ago I completed the half marathon!!!!!!!!

It was one of the greatest, most satisfying experiences of my life.

Arriving in that swarm of people was awesome. I got very choked up. Even at the playing of Rocky Top.  The support was amazing, the hills were CRAZY! And the satisfaction of completing this goal was something I haven't experienced in a very long time.

I had some difficult emotional moments the mornings of the race. I was reminded of the mornings before skating competitions. I had a memory of a memory in the past. I knew that something was unpleasant about competition mornings. I knew I always felt trapped and hopeless. And panicky. Very panicky. But never knew why.

Well now I do. The morning of the half marathon I remembered viscerally. I remembered feeling trapped. No matter what I did, it would be wrong. If I lost, I was a failure. If I won, it would be a threat to my mom. If I placed middle of the pack I would be ordinary (probably a message I got from my parents.)

Sooooooo.

That morning I let myself have it. All of it. The experience of the support, both personal and anonymous. The experience and commeraderie of the race. The satisfaction of setting a task and completing it. And showing up for myself. I let myself have that, too.

And I can't stop looking at the pictures!

http://www.asiorders.com/view_user_event_video.asp?EVENTID=79255&BIB=2836

Almost quit.

But almost doesn't count now, does it?

Last week was particularly difficult. Lots and lots of old thought patterns and very little rational thinking. Not really sure what happened but had a good idea what triggered it.

About a week and a half ago I had multiple people comment on my weight. The fact that there was less of it. One of them being my husband who thinks I am beautiful and sexy no matter what size I am (do you know how hard THAT sentence was to write?)He commented how good all this walking was looking on me. Add to that a couple patients who had no idea I was walking and some nurses at work and it was probably something I should have prepared for.

I can remember at one point actually hearing myself say, "huh, these comments haven't triggered me. Maybe I am better?!"

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllll...

Not so much.

I had a few days where I was feeling all of my old Judgy McJudgerson self. And at one point last week was very, very tempted to quit. I even missed 3 days walking in a row (one being a 6 mile walk) and refusing to count the 9 hours of shopping I did one Saturday and was quite sore from the next day (NO that didn't count!)

By Fat Tuesday I was about ready to cut and run. Then everyone on Facebook started talking about what they were giving up for Lent.

Now I do not really fancy myself a Christian in the true sense of the word. Especially when it comes to the hoop jumping and rules of the whole thing (being raised a Catholic kind of put me off that.)

BUT...something here tickled my little brain.

from Wiki...
The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, repentance, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

So here's how I read this...

The new tradition of Lent is to prepare THIS believer, through presence, awareness, kindness and denial of the nasty selves, for the annual commemoration of the death of old beliefs and long accepted "truths" and the rebirth of true beliefs...and the resurrection of the authentic self.

The kind self. The loving self. The patient and happy self.

The self who doesn't believe all the smack talk that has been programmed over the last 40 odd years.

so.

Where to start. Well, with my Catholic upbringing, Lent always meant relentless dieting. I had to give up food I loved or things I loved to do and then get guilted when I got to do them again.

NOW what I am giving up are all those things that prevent me from being that true self.

This lenten season I will be giving up the idea of giving up.
No more quitting.
No more I can't.
Not an option.
I will do these things (training for my walk, listening to my body, not beating myself up) and give less space for the tear down voices.

And maybe I will reward myself with a pretty new Easter outfit! And a coconut egg!

ick

Just not feeling it this week.
Spent the weekend with the girls and walked all day Saturday shopping but trying not to count that.
Sunday was nothing more than a day of vegging out.
So of course I am in the midst of "you suck" and will never do this.
Sooooo...I am going to make sure I walk tonight.
I am going to try for 6 miles but will be happy with anything right now.

My feet have been bothering me a lot and right now am trying to convince myself that this is all because i am to fat to walk a half marathon. It is actually (likely) due to the fact that I needed new shoes. So I bought 'em Friday and will hopefully be able to disprove all the nasty voices in my head and walk without pain tonight.