So today I noticed, as I was driving, I have this odd sensation. It is a feeling I am not quite used to. It is this core of contentment. It isn't blaring JOYJOYJOY or giddy happiness about "something." It is just this soft sigh of "hhhHHHHHmmmmmm" and a tiny little smile.
I think it means I am happy.
I have had it at some point in the day for the last 3 or 4 days. It definitely sends off bells and whistles of warning. I seem to know somewhere in my heart that being happy, content joyful in my youth resulted in an attack.
Even has I write that, I have feelings of denial and guilt. YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT!!! They only wanted you to be happy you selfish egocentric bitch! You need drama and a way to victimize yourself to even BREATHE most days.
But, no.
I know it is true. I know I have trouble with good and well and successfull and attractive and thin, so of course I have trouble with happy.
I look for every opportunity to lick the red off that lollipop. Not today.
Today I am going to let myself be aware that I am happy with my life. Period. No exceptions. No only ifs. No footnotes.
Just be OK with happy.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Bad with good.
It's June.
It is hot as balls.
I am not walking as much as I want to. And it is mainly because I won't let myself have it.
Why?
Because I feel good when I walk. And I don't do so good with good.
Today I wrote a very well worded, professional email and dealt with a subject I have been avoiding for about 3 years (one year actively avoiding.) And after a week of getting numbers together and allowing myself to really see that I do understand the business side of my job, today I composed the email and sent it.
And then I binged like there was no tomorrow. And I binged on gluten.
And right now I am letting myself sit with the feelings. I am being with the bloating and discomfort and full as a stuffed tick as well.
I am sitting with the good.
No matter what happens from this email, I know I am right for myself.
No matter if they tell me I am wrong and don't know what I'm talking about, I won't react, I won't freak.
I don't need them to tell me I am OK. Or that I am good.
I am good.
It is hot as balls.
I am not walking as much as I want to. And it is mainly because I won't let myself have it.
Why?
Because I feel good when I walk. And I don't do so good with good.
Today I wrote a very well worded, professional email and dealt with a subject I have been avoiding for about 3 years (one year actively avoiding.) And after a week of getting numbers together and allowing myself to really see that I do understand the business side of my job, today I composed the email and sent it.
And then I binged like there was no tomorrow. And I binged on gluten.
And right now I am letting myself sit with the feelings. I am being with the bloating and discomfort and full as a stuffed tick as well.
I am sitting with the good.
No matter what happens from this email, I know I am right for myself.
No matter if they tell me I am wrong and don't know what I'm talking about, I won't react, I won't freak.
I don't need them to tell me I am OK. Or that I am good.
I am good.
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