In between

I feel like I am straddling a HUGE abyss. I have been eating mindlessly lately. And bingeing. And eating gluten. And I feel like shit. But I know I am doing it. I am watching. Like a mom watches a child struggle while learning to tie a shoe.

I have one foot in a very old, well worn, well known (well loved?) old place and one foot in a very unfamiliar, very bright, very hopeful, very solid new place.

And nothing but sky in between.

And when I look to see, in my body, how I feel when I reflect on each of these places they are vastly different.

The left side, the old place, is heavy, bogged down, blurred and well, heavy. I have trouble breathing fully and feel like I am in a heavier gravity. Like I am wearing a lead suit. The vision is very blurry and slow and almost medicated. Yet I feel comfort here. I feel layered under something so the "bad" can't get to me. No wait, comfort may not be the word because even as I write this I feel as if I am suffocating, my chest tightens and my throat constricts. And though I feel away from the bad and technically protected from it, I feel like I am inside something that is safe but just sort of. I feel extremely uncomfortable as I write this. Edgy, pain in my shoulder, anxious, tight in my chest and shallow breaths. My shoulders draw up and I can feel my face shift to a frown. I can feel tears well up and fear rise in my throat. I am not sure what this is but the more I sit with it, the less comfortable it becomes. I cannot feel my belly and all I want to do is bolt. It feels hard to breathe.

I had to step away from the computer.

I can take deep breaths now.

As I look to the right, the new place, I feel a lot of space and my shoulders drop and my chest opens up and I can feel my belly. My breath is easier. The colors are bright and crisp and all kinds of blue sky and space. There is a huge sense of comfort but it is different than any comfort I have felt before. It is light and airy and spacious and feels happy. Almost giddy. I feel some tears but they feel like relief.

As I sat to write this I had a whole big story about the left and the right. The left was all comfort and protection from old wounds and it would be hard to let go of that. But I realized while writing this that the old behaviors that i used for comfort and safety in the past from some pretty horrific things, they have become the horrific things in and of themselves. Not at all what I expected.

Which reminds me that I saw the part of me that eats the other day.

I had a story about that too. I believed that that was a kind and loving and protecting part of me that saw that this was the only comfort I had during some difficult times. That she stroked and loved and cared and protected me and let me soothe myself with food.

Not so much.

When I really let myself look at the part of me who starts to eat for anything other than hunger, I see a very stoic, robotic, rigid entity. One that is almost devoid of emotion. It is very white and resembles the figures in the old Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots game. It is also not threatening, or even aware of me. It has a job to do. And when told to start, it just goes. It feels almost impossible to stop. Programmed. Cold. Distant. Mindless. Unapproachable.

When I try to put this part in the world on the right, I can see there is NO WAY I can get it to go there. That place is too high and light and airy. I don't feel dread or fear when I see this visual. I feel relief. Relief that there is no place for mindlessness there.

Tho I know there is a use for this world on the left, I am certain there is no need to live there and there is certainly no need to eat there.

I feel drawn to the right.
But I have parts that are attached to the left. Loyalty maybe? Guilt? Obligation? Not sure. But I can feel myself wanting to pick up the foot on the left and move it to the right. There is also a part of me screaming to GET RID OF THE LEFT! BLOW IT UP! THEN YOU WILL BE FIXED!!! It is also clear this is the voice that was head cheerleader in every diet I ever tried. All or nothing.

Another voice, more of a whisper, no a feeling, has no need to destroy the left. Just let it be there. She knows it is difficult for me to be in the right all the time. Even if I want to.

The left is mindlessness. Binge eating, dieting, binge exercising, dropping out. Disconnecting. This path is well worn and easy. Habit.

The right is mindfulness. Presence. This part is simple. Simple yes,  but easy, no.

Five days at Mount Madonna starting Tuesday will give me some space to be present in both of these worlds and see what comes up. From here, I do not want to keep choosing mindlessness, yet it seems that every time I feel threatened (in even the mildest ways) I don't even consider the mindfulness path. I resort to the default behavior of mindlessness. And though it does not FEEL safe and secure, I am telling myself at this very minute, "well of course you do because that path keeps you safe."

It kept me safe. Not anymore.

It reminds me that my worlds have shifted.

Being my best self was a huge threat to my mom when I was young. Dumbing it down, hiding my light under the proverbial bushel, destroying myself before she could, all these kept me safe.

Now it is that behavior that threatens my happiness. Seems to bring up some shame when I see this. That I "should have" seen it long ago and just "fixed it" because it is so obvious. Shame that it still has such a hold on me. But that's old coping mechanisms. Shame doesn't seem to have as much a hold lately. Which might be why I am trying so hard to drop out lately. When I see the old tools are futile in this new world, I might just move there and only visit the other world on the rare bad day.

...and there's the threat.

But I don't feel trapped in it. I feel like I am sitting here looking at all the things in front of me. And from here I can spend some time examining. Safely.

BOY do I not wanna hit post. But I will.

ick

I have a food hangover. I have been eating gluten for the last 5 days (stopped yesterday because the symptoms were KILLING me) but then binged yesterday. Every single meal I ate I ate to WAY past full. I have not done that in a really long time. My first instinct is to white knuckle it and MAKE myself stop. My true instinct is to sit with it and be open and see what is going on. Even when I type that it feels warm and kind and fresh. Attractive even. I am VERY grateful that I have the retreat at Mt Madonna coming up Tuesday.
More on this later. Just needed to get it down.

ahhhhhhhhh...

My husband turned on the air tonight.

Without me asking.

I think he has a tumor.

It is 90 frickin frackin' degrees today.

I am wrestling with some worth demons. Had a long and frustrating meeting last night but am extremely proud that I held it together and spoke up for myself and was able to articulate my points wether they listened or not.

Now I need to accept that I am worth the effort to fight for myself. And accept that I am OK and safe when I speak up in my own best interest. Not sure when this became so difficult but am guessing it was a long long time ago.

Oh, and I walked 3.5 miles today. YAY ME!!!

Harrrruuuuummmmph.

Tired, cranky, post call.

But...

I had a very good session with Lauren yesterday and had a very real vision of the part of me who eats. She looked NOTHING like I thought she would. And she is definitely a VERY old part. And she is not threatening and I think her skills would be very well suited in another position in my life. It was quite earth shattering. I was a bit shocked. But in a good way.

Big meeting tonight with my group and part of me is very much looking forward to it...part of me, not so much.

So it has been a MONTH since I last posted??? Wow. And I have to say it has been quite on purpose. This avoiding thing. So my new goal, for me and just me, will be to post daily. Even if it is just a sentence. To keep myself company. Over the last month the backlash took over. Ran amok as one might say. I stopped doing things that kept me present. I am going to try and be there for me in this form.

The transition...

So now I am trying to train to learn how to run. Actually the body work seems basic. Do this for x amount of days, increase running by small increments. Eventually take x days to be able to run for 30 min at a time. Long enough to finish a 5K running. And the x...it is variable dependent upon how my body takes to this. The unknown.

Another unknown? My mind. It is NOT handling this well. It is still a wee bit freaked out and backlashy about the half marathon. But we will keep showing up. Keep dealing with the little bumps in the road.

I am realizing that my biggest road block is my weight. Not just for the running, but for everything.

The half marathon showed me one thing very clearly. I can accomplish physical challenges. I am an athlete. I feel FABULOUS when I use my loyal and trusty body to accomplish physical challenges.

And this threatens everything I believe myself to be.

So my next task is to redefine those beliefs and start living based on them. The other task is to fight myself (my old self) and figure out how to get this weight off.

And on to the next...

WOW! it has been almost a month since I last blogged and I want to start doing this again and again to keep myself present and positive.

So one week ago I completed the half marathon!!!!!!!!

It was one of the greatest, most satisfying experiences of my life.

Arriving in that swarm of people was awesome. I got very choked up. Even at the playing of Rocky Top.  The support was amazing, the hills were CRAZY! And the satisfaction of completing this goal was something I haven't experienced in a very long time.

I had some difficult emotional moments the mornings of the race. I was reminded of the mornings before skating competitions. I had a memory of a memory in the past. I knew that something was unpleasant about competition mornings. I knew I always felt trapped and hopeless. And panicky. Very panicky. But never knew why.

Well now I do. The morning of the half marathon I remembered viscerally. I remembered feeling trapped. No matter what I did, it would be wrong. If I lost, I was a failure. If I won, it would be a threat to my mom. If I placed middle of the pack I would be ordinary (probably a message I got from my parents.)

Sooooooo.

That morning I let myself have it. All of it. The experience of the support, both personal and anonymous. The experience and commeraderie of the race. The satisfaction of setting a task and completing it. And showing up for myself. I let myself have that, too.

And I can't stop looking at the pictures!

http://www.asiorders.com/view_user_event_video.asp?EVENTID=79255&BIB=2836