Almost quit.

But almost doesn't count now, does it?

Last week was particularly difficult. Lots and lots of old thought patterns and very little rational thinking. Not really sure what happened but had a good idea what triggered it.

About a week and a half ago I had multiple people comment on my weight. The fact that there was less of it. One of them being my husband who thinks I am beautiful and sexy no matter what size I am (do you know how hard THAT sentence was to write?)He commented how good all this walking was looking on me. Add to that a couple patients who had no idea I was walking and some nurses at work and it was probably something I should have prepared for.

I can remember at one point actually hearing myself say, "huh, these comments haven't triggered me. Maybe I am better?!"

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllll...

Not so much.

I had a few days where I was feeling all of my old Judgy McJudgerson self. And at one point last week was very, very tempted to quit. I even missed 3 days walking in a row (one being a 6 mile walk) and refusing to count the 9 hours of shopping I did one Saturday and was quite sore from the next day (NO that didn't count!)

By Fat Tuesday I was about ready to cut and run. Then everyone on Facebook started talking about what they were giving up for Lent.

Now I do not really fancy myself a Christian in the true sense of the word. Especially when it comes to the hoop jumping and rules of the whole thing (being raised a Catholic kind of put me off that.)

BUT...something here tickled my little brain.

from Wiki...
The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, repentance, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

So here's how I read this...

The new tradition of Lent is to prepare THIS believer, through presence, awareness, kindness and denial of the nasty selves, for the annual commemoration of the death of old beliefs and long accepted "truths" and the rebirth of true beliefs...and the resurrection of the authentic self.

The kind self. The loving self. The patient and happy self.

The self who doesn't believe all the smack talk that has been programmed over the last 40 odd years.

so.

Where to start. Well, with my Catholic upbringing, Lent always meant relentless dieting. I had to give up food I loved or things I loved to do and then get guilted when I got to do them again.

NOW what I am giving up are all those things that prevent me from being that true self.

This lenten season I will be giving up the idea of giving up.
No more quitting.
No more I can't.
Not an option.
I will do these things (training for my walk, listening to my body, not beating myself up) and give less space for the tear down voices.

And maybe I will reward myself with a pretty new Easter outfit! And a coconut egg!

ick

Just not feeling it this week.
Spent the weekend with the girls and walked all day Saturday shopping but trying not to count that.
Sunday was nothing more than a day of vegging out.
So of course I am in the midst of "you suck" and will never do this.
Sooooo...I am going to make sure I walk tonight.
I am going to try for 6 miles but will be happy with anything right now.

My feet have been bothering me a lot and right now am trying to convince myself that this is all because i am to fat to walk a half marathon. It is actually (likely) due to the fact that I needed new shoes. So I bought 'em Friday and will hopefully be able to disprove all the nasty voices in my head and walk without pain tonight.

So much to tell!!!

So it has been a very very busy week since I last blogged. Katy's birthday and way too many sick people. BUT I had to blog today.

I just finished an 11+ mile walk in 3 hours and 20 minutes (20 of which were spent in coffee shop and under a tree in the middle of a downpour.)

I have done found me a walking partner!!!

My friend Lauren is in! And this child has some long legs so my time has drastically decreased. AND she is a chatty cathy with THE BEST stories. I am so happy I could wet myself.

But in even bigger news...I have my next goal.

I have signed up for the Susan G Komen 3 day walk for the cure in Philadelphia October 13-15th. It is 3 days, 60 miles.
And I am doing it with 2 amazing friends all of us training in different cities. Nat in Philly, Margo in NYC and me in little ole Knoxvegas.

It is amazing how this worked out. I have a Geneen Roth retreat that week in San Francisco and thought this was absolutely out of the question because the retreats usually run Tues through Sunday. But when I checked the retreat dates something didn't add up. I checked and rechecked and sure enough the retreat schedule for this retreat is Sunday through Thursday. This means I can fly to Philly Thursday to walk Friday.

It was meant to be.

I am becoming someone who misses exercise and moving my body when I don't get to do it. Screw becoming. I AM the someone who likes to move my body. I never would have thought I could spend a lazy Sunday morning off call out in the pouring rain with thunder and lightening ENJOYING good company and an 11+ mile walk.

Lovely lovely gift for the beginning of my 46th year.

7 miles! And the next challenge is shaping up!

Today I kicked butt. And on a day I was on call after a Saturday of utter chaos, I made time for myself...and I walked my 7 miles. I did it in 2 hours and 4 minutes and I finished the last three miles between 3.5 and 3.7. I am CRAZY pleased with this.

So I have really been enjoying this process and have been looking for the next challenge and the universe has shuffled and arranged and I think I will be able to go to my fall retreat (which is oddly Sunday through Thursday) and then be in Philadelphia to walk the Susan G. Komen 3 day walk for the cure!!! I am nervous and excited. I sent away for my info packet just now and am looking forward to the chance to walk for another 8 months of training!

I Zumba'd!

And it was a blast and I was a sweaty mess. I am so glad I went. Now I need to get up and go to the Y in the morning. I have been sleeping through my alarm for the last two mornings. Early bed time tonight and hopefully no major phone calls!

ZUMBA!!!

Oh, and tonight I am spending my rest day from training trying a Zumba class with a friend of mine. I am noticing I don't want to go. I love to dance and I love fitness classes that are fun. So what the heck is going on with my reluctance?

Probably because Zumba is like playing. And some part of me feels like I am not supposed to have fun and play.

I am going. We'll see what comes up.

Hard truth.

So the other day I am talking a best friend through a very difficult time. Her story to tell but suffice it to say we were discussing destructive patterns and the difficulty in recognizing them let alone changing them.

At one point I said to her, "Look, I, better than most, totally understand the feeling of being powerless over your actions when it comes to old patterns." I then explained how I found myself putting myself into situations where there is food. Lots and lots of food. And how I know that if I put myself there in that situation, I will eat.

Every single time.

Mid sentence I felt like I had been slapped in the face. This is true. Very very true. Too true.

During this conversation I am shopping in Pigeon Forge. There are some stores there that have samples. I always go in them. To shop? Fuck no. To put myself in the proximity of food. So that very day I went to 2 of them (actually looking for a tortilla press) and ate nothing but was crazy aware of the pull of the gluten rich pretzels and dips. The third was Harry and David and I had a chip and dip. I also noticed how pissed i am that they police their samples and hand them out one by one. I noticed that feeling and realized what I really hated was being prevented from binging.

So the last few days I have been paying attention to food. In doing this I have started tracking my food. A food diary if you will. The tool I use is on Sparkpeople so I always see calories and get a report card. It is a dangerous as a scale for me.

There is a lure for me to follow what they tell me to eat. Be good. Fudge on what I actually ate so the numbers look prettier and more in line.

But this time I am doing it differently. Honestly. Non-judgementally. AFTER I ate it.

It has been helping me be mindful. Thoughtful in a way that has been different from the times I tracked before.

I have problems with trust. Mainly trusting myself to know what is right for my body or even how I actually feel with certain foods in my body. So I am teaching myself trust. Mainly, I am teaching myself that, when left to my own devices, I will not eat calorie after calorie with wild abandon. I will not fall into a hole of binging.

I am going to have to be very careful with this tho. I can feel the old pattern and the disconnected, "diet-y" feeling I have gotten before when I tracked lurking in the corner.

For now, I am stayng in the moment and trusting the process. And working very very very hard to be non-judgemental and realize that eating 9 pieces of candy on Valentines day landed me well within the recommended calories but way off in how I felt in my body.

It's a process. It's a process. It's a process.