So now I am trying to train to learn how to run. Actually the body work seems basic. Do this for x amount of days, increase running by small increments. Eventually take x days to be able to run for 30 min at a time. Long enough to finish a 5K running. And the x...it is variable dependent upon how my body takes to this. The unknown.
Another unknown? My mind. It is NOT handling this well. It is still a wee bit freaked out and backlashy about the half marathon. But we will keep showing up. Keep dealing with the little bumps in the road.
I am realizing that my biggest road block is my weight. Not just for the running, but for everything.
The half marathon showed me one thing very clearly. I can accomplish physical challenges. I am an athlete. I feel FABULOUS when I use my loyal and trusty body to accomplish physical challenges.
And this threatens everything I believe myself to be.
So my next task is to redefine those beliefs and start living based on them. The other task is to fight myself (my old self) and figure out how to get this weight off.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
And on to the next...
WOW! it has been almost a month since I last blogged and I want to start doing this again and again to keep myself present and positive.
So one week ago I completed the half marathon!!!!!!!!
It was one of the greatest, most satisfying experiences of my life.
Arriving in that swarm of people was awesome. I got very choked up. Even at the playing of Rocky Top. The support was amazing, the hills were CRAZY! And the satisfaction of completing this goal was something I haven't experienced in a very long time.
I had some difficult emotional moments the mornings of the race. I was reminded of the mornings before skating competitions. I had a memory of a memory in the past. I knew that something was unpleasant about competition mornings. I knew I always felt trapped and hopeless. And panicky. Very panicky. But never knew why.
Well now I do. The morning of the half marathon I remembered viscerally. I remembered feeling trapped. No matter what I did, it would be wrong. If I lost, I was a failure. If I won, it would be a threat to my mom. If I placed middle of the pack I would be ordinary (probably a message I got from my parents.)
Sooooooo.
That morning I let myself have it. All of it. The experience of the support, both personal and anonymous. The experience and commeraderie of the race. The satisfaction of setting a task and completing it. And showing up for myself. I let myself have that, too.
And I can't stop looking at the pictures!
http://www.asiorders.com/view_user_event_video.asp?EVENTID=79255&BIB=2836
So one week ago I completed the half marathon!!!!!!!!
It was one of the greatest, most satisfying experiences of my life.
Arriving in that swarm of people was awesome. I got very choked up. Even at the playing of Rocky Top. The support was amazing, the hills were CRAZY! And the satisfaction of completing this goal was something I haven't experienced in a very long time.
I had some difficult emotional moments the mornings of the race. I was reminded of the mornings before skating competitions. I had a memory of a memory in the past. I knew that something was unpleasant about competition mornings. I knew I always felt trapped and hopeless. And panicky. Very panicky. But never knew why.
Well now I do. The morning of the half marathon I remembered viscerally. I remembered feeling trapped. No matter what I did, it would be wrong. If I lost, I was a failure. If I won, it would be a threat to my mom. If I placed middle of the pack I would be ordinary (probably a message I got from my parents.)
Sooooooo.
That morning I let myself have it. All of it. The experience of the support, both personal and anonymous. The experience and commeraderie of the race. The satisfaction of setting a task and completing it. And showing up for myself. I let myself have that, too.
And I can't stop looking at the pictures!
http://www.asiorders.com/view_user_event_video.asp?EVENTID=79255&BIB=2836
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