Almost quit.

But almost doesn't count now, does it?

Last week was particularly difficult. Lots and lots of old thought patterns and very little rational thinking. Not really sure what happened but had a good idea what triggered it.

About a week and a half ago I had multiple people comment on my weight. The fact that there was less of it. One of them being my husband who thinks I am beautiful and sexy no matter what size I am (do you know how hard THAT sentence was to write?)He commented how good all this walking was looking on me. Add to that a couple patients who had no idea I was walking and some nurses at work and it was probably something I should have prepared for.

I can remember at one point actually hearing myself say, "huh, these comments haven't triggered me. Maybe I am better?!"

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllll...

Not so much.

I had a few days where I was feeling all of my old Judgy McJudgerson self. And at one point last week was very, very tempted to quit. I even missed 3 days walking in a row (one being a 6 mile walk) and refusing to count the 9 hours of shopping I did one Saturday and was quite sore from the next day (NO that didn't count!)

By Fat Tuesday I was about ready to cut and run. Then everyone on Facebook started talking about what they were giving up for Lent.

Now I do not really fancy myself a Christian in the true sense of the word. Especially when it comes to the hoop jumping and rules of the whole thing (being raised a Catholic kind of put me off that.)

BUT...something here tickled my little brain.

from Wiki...
The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, repentance, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

So here's how I read this...

The new tradition of Lent is to prepare THIS believer, through presence, awareness, kindness and denial of the nasty selves, for the annual commemoration of the death of old beliefs and long accepted "truths" and the rebirth of true beliefs...and the resurrection of the authentic self.

The kind self. The loving self. The patient and happy self.

The self who doesn't believe all the smack talk that has been programmed over the last 40 odd years.

so.

Where to start. Well, with my Catholic upbringing, Lent always meant relentless dieting. I had to give up food I loved or things I loved to do and then get guilted when I got to do them again.

NOW what I am giving up are all those things that prevent me from being that true self.

This lenten season I will be giving up the idea of giving up.
No more quitting.
No more I can't.
Not an option.
I will do these things (training for my walk, listening to my body, not beating myself up) and give less space for the tear down voices.

And maybe I will reward myself with a pretty new Easter outfit! And a coconut egg!

ick

Just not feeling it this week.
Spent the weekend with the girls and walked all day Saturday shopping but trying not to count that.
Sunday was nothing more than a day of vegging out.
So of course I am in the midst of "you suck" and will never do this.
Sooooo...I am going to make sure I walk tonight.
I am going to try for 6 miles but will be happy with anything right now.

My feet have been bothering me a lot and right now am trying to convince myself that this is all because i am to fat to walk a half marathon. It is actually (likely) due to the fact that I needed new shoes. So I bought 'em Friday and will hopefully be able to disprove all the nasty voices in my head and walk without pain tonight.